I've been longing for peace in a while now... at first I was extremely happy - hyper happy... it was a good feeling... some sort of overdose of serotonin that made me very jumpy. Then it came a very bad time when I was damn sad... and after this pissed off at life and myself... totally energy depleting... Luckily, the first period was way longer than the second one! It was all like a really good extended trip followed by a really bad one... to make use of some newly acquired terminology.
But now I just want peace... like in the Requiem by Faure that I'm doing with the choir. Requiem aeterna et lux perpetua... it's just that I want it while I'm still living. I hope I don't really have to die to find peace... that would be really sad.
But I want peace... I want peace with the people around me... and I want peace with my life and this world... and I want peace with myself! TRUCE! deep breath... a sigh... another deep breath... wipe all the tears - Ive exceeded the limit lately... throw away all the fears... (ups, I didn't mean to do rhyming)... all the insecurities... another sigh... it's kind of hard... not that easy at all... and another deep breath - it's gonna be alright! I trust myself: every time I say this it is so... it's not even hard to understand: I work to make it be so... so yeah: I'm going to make everything be alright... and another deep breath... it feels good - I have a certainty... put on a smile... not to wide... I don't need that... I just need peace. Don't want to exceed any level of excitation, be it in plus or minus... So I'm practicing with a smile... it feels nice... I'm going to keep it on... another deep breath... some people ask me if everything is alright... oh yes... now it is... I know - I'm not up anymore... I'm settled... and it feels good... it feels very good... deep breaths... a walk... some sun... music... flowers... peaceful people... here, some peace...
I'm almost there... I think I've found it... this empty campus and some people around here helped me... they don't even know... If I thank them, Basu will probably ask why and smile delighted and Farhan will probably ask, his usual tone what's wrong with you? seriously! and I probably won't bother to answer... I should keep explanations to the minimum... trying too hard to make people understand me... it's peace consuming... another deep breath... smile... forget explanations and reasons... and if it is really important for anyone, they need to give me time... time... I now have time... what's with all this rush? we have time... I thought I learned that way back... I have time for everything... to live every moment - that's right! carpe diem... and I won't let anyone rush me... rush without me... I'm not racing through life... he he... I even find it funny... trying to explain all this to Nafis I forgot it myself... I wonder how this happened?! anyways... I kind of lost myself in this agitation... some sort of close system that became over-pressurized... my mom... oh, my mom! it wouldn't have been that hard if she was here... she always took care of me when I had got carried away... Now I had to do it now I need some time to all by myself... and I did it... good for me! ... another deep breath... i found peace... assimilate it... time... maybe another walk... definitely some music... 'insignificant' activities... and some people... some sun and some colours... and there shall be my peace...
now, I feel like I need to put this poem here:
I was so tired
and suffering.
I think I was suffering from too much soul.
Across the hills the dawns were opening their eyelids
with eyes red with sleeplessness.
Lost - I asked myself:
Sun,
how can you still feel the crazy joy
of rising?
And in that sleepless morning
as I strolled with leaden steps,
in a hidden corner I came across a cradle.
Spiders wove their tiny worlds in it
and woodworms milled its silence.
I watched it with thoughts opened wide.
It was the cradle
in which a hand, today aged by my fate,
had rocked
my first sleep and perhaps my first dream.
With the fingers of memory
I groped
gently,
gently,
my past like a blind man
and without knowing why
I crumbled
and with great sobs
began to cry over
my cradle.
I was so tired
of spring,
of roses,
of youth,
and of laughing.
Fumbling, my hands searched in the old cradle
hoping to find myself there
- as a child.
Lucian Blaga, The Cradle (Leaganul)
But now I just want peace... like in the Requiem by Faure that I'm doing with the choir. Requiem aeterna et lux perpetua... it's just that I want it while I'm still living. I hope I don't really have to die to find peace... that would be really sad.
But I want peace... I want peace with the people around me... and I want peace with my life and this world... and I want peace with myself! TRUCE! deep breath... a sigh... another deep breath... wipe all the tears - Ive exceeded the limit lately... throw away all the fears... (ups, I didn't mean to do rhyming)... all the insecurities... another sigh... it's kind of hard... not that easy at all... and another deep breath - it's gonna be alright! I trust myself: every time I say this it is so... it's not even hard to understand: I work to make it be so... so yeah: I'm going to make everything be alright... and another deep breath... it feels good - I have a certainty... put on a smile... not to wide... I don't need that... I just need peace. Don't want to exceed any level of excitation, be it in plus or minus... So I'm practicing with a smile... it feels nice... I'm going to keep it on... another deep breath... some people ask me if everything is alright... oh yes... now it is... I know - I'm not up anymore... I'm settled... and it feels good... it feels very good... deep breaths... a walk... some sun... music... flowers... peaceful people... here, some peace...
I'm almost there... I think I've found it... this empty campus and some people around here helped me... they don't even know... If I thank them, Basu will probably ask why and smile delighted and Farhan will probably ask, his usual tone what's wrong with you? seriously! and I probably won't bother to answer... I should keep explanations to the minimum... trying too hard to make people understand me... it's peace consuming... another deep breath... smile... forget explanations and reasons... and if it is really important for anyone, they need to give me time... time... I now have time... what's with all this rush? we have time... I thought I learned that way back... I have time for everything... to live every moment - that's right! carpe diem... and I won't let anyone rush me... rush without me... I'm not racing through life... he he... I even find it funny... trying to explain all this to Nafis I forgot it myself... I wonder how this happened?! anyways... I kind of lost myself in this agitation... some sort of close system that became over-pressurized... my mom... oh, my mom! it wouldn't have been that hard if she was here... she always took care of me when I had got carried away... Now I had to do it now I need some time to all by myself... and I did it... good for me! ... another deep breath... i found peace... assimilate it... time... maybe another walk... definitely some music... 'insignificant' activities... and some people... some sun and some colours... and there shall be my peace...
now, I feel like I need to put this poem here:
I was so tired
and suffering.
I think I was suffering from too much soul.
Across the hills the dawns were opening their eyelids
with eyes red with sleeplessness.
Lost - I asked myself:
Sun,
how can you still feel the crazy joy
of rising?
And in that sleepless morning
as I strolled with leaden steps,
in a hidden corner I came across a cradle.
Spiders wove their tiny worlds in it
and woodworms milled its silence.
I watched it with thoughts opened wide.
It was the cradle
in which a hand, today aged by my fate,
had rocked
my first sleep and perhaps my first dream.
With the fingers of memory
I groped
gently,
gently,
my past like a blind man
and without knowing why
I crumbled
and with great sobs
began to cry over
my cradle.
I was so tired
of spring,
of roses,
of youth,
and of laughing.
Fumbling, my hands searched in the old cradle
hoping to find myself there
- as a child.
Lucian Blaga, The Cradle (Leaganul)
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