Love Lane

Where do all our thoughts go?

2011-03-20T22:33:00.000-04:00

and our memories? I think those are thoughts too though - just more permanent. If you think about it actually, a memory is just a thought that is stored. Talking about declarative memory here not motor and stuff.

But really, what happens to our thoughts? If they don't get stored they just vanish. After we die, all our thoughts die - even the stored ones. Unless, perhaps we share the thoughts - orally or in writing or in some other physical form. If we talk to someone, the thought is shared, modified somehow but at least is stays on in someone else's consciousness. And perhaps if they find it relevant enough they will share it or write it down and there the thought lives even longer...

If it's written it can live forever I guess. Like quotes - that's a great way to preserve thoughts. But then, when do we decide which thought is worth preserving and which is not? Because really, for the most part is us who first decide whether a thought is worth preserving or not. I would be the first one to decide whether to say something or not. For instance I am only writing this now because I want to remember this question, this idea, and be able to perhaps come back to it later when I browse my blog sometimes. Our brain is finite, unfortunately(?). So we take notes.

So when is a thought worth keeping? When we don't want to forget sth - we think it's important info, or when we think it's intelligent, or pleasant, or funny, or interesting. And then I guess all the other thought just sort of... get lost. It's like natural selection for thoughts. Interesting though... because we still continue to have really useless thoughts (according to this line of judgement) - we just don't particularly want to save them.

So, I guess... no wonder some people really try hard to be memorable and interesting. Because really if you are not, all your thoughts die with you and there dies your contribution to the collective consciousness.

Bah... I'll stop.

life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness

2010-07-08T23:28:00.003-04:00

While talking to a friend lately the conversation got to the subject of imagination: how we let it wonder, how we can control it, and my mind just couldn't help not thinking: do we control our imagination, do other things control it, or are we controlled by it.

To me, as someone who studied a bit of consciousness for her intro to neuro class, this sounded a lot like the problem of free will: how much free will do we really have? Most of us assume that free will is a fundamental characteristic that us humans exhibit, and we have control on our thoughts and decisions. And there are arguments pro and against and choosing a definite stand on the problem, to me, really is about going to extremes in argumentation.

But from this idea, I went into another one, pretty close: are we responsible for our own well-being and happiness, or is it all dictated by circumstances?

I mean we do have very little control on our body - and in this I include the brain. I don't want to get too technical or sciency, but our life, feelings and thoughts, are all born in the brain and controlled by it, and the brain is just a wiring of cells. We don't really have control on physical pain, we don't have control on feeling tired. Yes, sometimes we can snap out of tiredness, but that's probably because of something external that makes our brain conclude is more important to stay awake - like "if I don't finish this paper I'm going to fail." Many times we also don't have control on our thoughts - we see something, it triggers a memory, which triggers another one, which triggers a thought, then perhaps a question and so on... All programmed based on our previous experiences and our basic needs. We don't have control on something happening (be it another person's action or a natural phenomenon or a bad grade) and that upsetting us or making us angry. And that happens because whatever the happening, it doesn't fit our expectations - the way circuits in the brain were wired and active at that time.

So this is all about how we don't really have much control... But I would say sometimes we do. And those times may not be as often, since most of the time we need to make fast decisions (like should I stretch my hands to catch the ball hitting my head? yes!) However, since they are more scarce, they are probably more valuable. Like when you snap out of you domino thought trail - you realize that you were into that, but you should probably be thinking of something else. And while it's still your brain influenced by something outside or by some memory that snaps you out of your thought trail I feel like there is a choice involved there: you can go back to your work, for instance, or you could keep thinking of random stuff.

In the same fashion, when it comes to another person: many times people don't act/react in the way we expect them to. And they couldn't, just because they have their own brain and their own environment that their influenced by. So it is possible that if I think: "oh, i miss my friend" and think of all the lovely times we hanged out and how much fun that was and "let me give him/her a call", all I'd get back is "yeah, i'm on the bus with my friends. we're having a blast and i'll call you some other time." This would be pretty disappointing, but very fair. But it was my choice to call my friend! Yes, I was influenced by my thoughts at the time, but I could have pulled together more memories and knowledge and realize that my friend could have been sleeping or on the bus or jst not in the mood to talk. So I could have send him/her and email or just done something else, but I chose to call. This could have also turned out very nice: like my friend being happy that I called and had a lovely conversation, which we wouldn't have had over email.

So at the end of the day we do need to take small "risks" every time we do something. But for certain some things we can control. Especially when it comes to being "safe". You can choose not to hurt yourself by making that phone call. You can choose not to hurt yourself by climbing on the roof. You might miss some excitement and fun, but at least you're safe. We can choose whom to spend time with and we do choose our friends. Of course, you can't be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with you, but you can choose to be, or not to be friends with someone who does want.

At the end of all this rambling, I say little control is still control: we are responsible for ourselves and our own happiness. The biggest responsibility we have is towards ourselves, and we can't evade it. I mean we can, but it's not like it would do us any good.

Congo: Act Now!

2010-04-24T19:57:00.000-04:00

The past week ended a series of talks and events dedicated to raising awareness regarding the situation in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

What is happening in DR Congo is mind-blowing and many people would not believe that this can happen in the 21st century. But it is happening, and the fact that it is so hard to believe is very much due to the lack of awareness and media coverage. When one does hear something about Congo, it is likely that it is:

5.4 million people died since the beginning of the conflict (this figure is probably around 7 million now, since the first statistic is from 2007 )or

worst place in the world to be a woman or a girl or

the worst humanitarian crisis in the world

All these are true, but there is actually a lot more to be told about the conflict in Congo. While I learned a lot from the awesome speakers that came on campus, I actually had to go and get more background myself in order to better understand what is happening. I think I should mention that, although I have an idea, a full-length course is probably needed in order to get a full grasp of all the players and interests involved in the Congo conflict.

The DR Congo is a country very rich in minerals, which, because of its underdevelopment, made it very prone to exploitation. Mineral exploitation started under Belgian colonialism, continued after their independence, and is still going on today. Unfortunately, the illegal exploitation of minerals on the black market has not lead only to corruption. There have always been many conflicts of interests that spurred and used violence as means of intimidation and gaining control.

The most recent conflict (the one which is still going on) started around 1994 when the Rwandan war/genocide ended. At that time, Hutu rebels operating under the name FDLR: Democratic Forces for the Liberation of Rwanda, fled from Rwanda into neighboring Eastern Congo to escape arrest and prosecution. Since then, they have been terrorizing the local population in Eastern Congo. They kill and mutilate, and use rape and sexual violence in order to dehumanize the locals and gain control over them. In this context they create, it becomes easy for them to both obtain money from the people, as well to control the minerals market.

Using this tactic, the FDLR have successfully terrorized Eastern Congo for 15 years now.

So, let me go on about what I learned from the people who came to talk.

Laura Heaton is a young woman who is currently editor and writer for the Enough blog, as part of the Enough Project. Before this, she did various field consultancy work in Rwanda and Eastern Congo. I thought it was great that such a young person was so knowledgeable and so actively involved in this issue. Laura talked mostly about conflict minerals and what Enough is doing. As I mentioned, the minerals exploited are a big part of the reason for the conflict. More to it, however, we are all contributing to these conflict as end consumers of electronic devices. Four metals coming from Congo: Gold, Tungsten, Tin, and Tantalum are used in cellphones, laptops and other such electric devices. Since the minerals are exported multiple times to many countries before they are put into the final products, their exact source is hard to trace and the electronics companies don't really bother to do it. So, whenever we're buying a new phone, we're all buying a piece of fuel to the bloody Congo conflict. What the Enough Project is trying to do through their program Raise Hope for Congo, is to stop the use of such conflict minerals, by advocating the banning of imports into the US under any form.

For a very short and sweet video explaining this, go here.

Dr. Lee Ann De Reus, professor at PennState Altoona, is an activist-scholar, who actually worked with women at the Panzi Hospital in Bukavu, Congo for her research project. The Panzi Hospital is one of the few places in Congo that successfully treats women survivors of sexual violence and they have perfected techniques for the surgical repair of fistulas (talk about need teaches you!). Dr. De Reus interviewed 30 women, all survivors of sexual violence and shared with us some of her findings.

Women and girls of any age are raped, usually gang raped and raped with various objects that cause many internal injuries, the worst being fistula and death. Women are raped in their homes, in front of their children, families and neighbors. They are raped in the fields where they work. They are taken as slaves in the rebels' settlements and kept there. Some manage to run, some are killed, some just die due to injuries or diseases. However, despite all the horror they have to go through, the women see themselves as survivors, rather than victims. They say that they have the power to get over whatever happened to them and badly want to return to their lives as much as possible. Many suffer from the stigma of their societies and many cannot go back to working the fields due to their injuries. Most of them, though, talked of hope and forgiveness. Everybody in the audience, including Dr. De Reus, thought that it was outrageous that 29/30 women said that they were willing to forgive their attackers and let them be judged by God. They just wanted peace and they wanted the conflict to be over. I also found it very surprising that the women did not quite know what was actually going on in terms of why the conflict was happening and why they were raped.

All of the women, however, said that they shared their story with Dr. De Reus so that she passes it on and tells the world about what is happening...

Finally, Lisa Shannon came and talked to us. She is a young activist who founded Run for Congo Women and basically completely changed her life to dedicate it to the cause of Congo women. She has an impressive story about how she started from scratch and just went on and on despite all the obstacles. She started off by training long to do a 30 mile run, at the end of which she raised $28,000. Despite this being a pretty big success, it did not all come easy to her. She did runs with 1 persons and had no support when she went to Congo the first time by herself. At Lafayette, she spoke to a group of 10-15 people who showed up on a Friday afternoon. We thought it was lame, but she was pleased. She, as well as the other speakers, insisted that they would talk to anyone, no matter how many or how few. She emphasized repeatedly that the secret of her success was exactly that she did wait for other people to follow. She moved on by herself and people started following her more and more. First she ran alone, than with one person, now with hundreds. First she went to Congo alone, with no backing, now she is supported by Women for Women International and Enough.

I think Lisa Shannon, as well as Laura Heaton, Lee Ann De Reus and many other activists, are great references for anyone, but especially for two groups of people. First, those who say: "One can't really do anything to actually matter"... well, obviously you can! Second, for those that start all enthusiastic and then, for some reasons, just get caught into various things and lost grip. I'm in no place to criticize everyone, but I encountered plenty of such people.

Conclusion: People in Eastern Congo need help and this conflict needs to end. Unfortunately, the Congolese can't do it by themselves, but we can help! And please do help! Be a responsible consumer. Donate any amount if you can! Support a Congolese woman! And just speak! Let others know about what is going on!

Lafayette values DIVERSITY... Really?! Seriously?! Think again!

2010-04-07T17:43:00.000-04:00

This week is Extravaganza 2010 week at Lafayette - a weeklong annual festival celebrating world cultures and diversity... For this occasion, the campus was again decorated with flags representing the different countries that students on campus come from.

Again, like every year since my freshman year, flags were stolen (or taken down, if you feel that's too harsh of a word) from the poles on the Quad. On Tuesday night, three flags were completely gone, while one was ripped off. Of course, if you go by tomorrow, you will probably not see any flag missing, as the college was very helpful in offering to replace them...

To repeat, the stealing of flags from the Quad has been happening for several years, yet the only response from the College is to replace the missing flags, buy new ones, and now employ Bear Security to guard them at night... Oh, and they also decided that from next year no flags will be put on the Quad any more...

Wait, is this the same college that praises about educating the students in the spirit of diversity - respect and appreciation for cultures and other such stuff ?! The college that has more than one office and 5-10 student organizations dealing with diversity?!

Ever since I came to Lafayette different people took care to let me know how valued my presence is, as an international student, and how much value everybody here puts on diversity. Of course, the point being that just by being here I increase diversity. However, most people's reaction when I tell them where I am from is "Cool!" Then, some try to figure out where Romania is, and then some want to know "So... how is Romania?". But that's where it stops most of the time. As an international student, you kind of remain an exhibit of diversity for many people.

One of my flatmates in London was once reading a booklet called "Stuff White People Like" and one entry was "talking about diversity". I thought that was true back then too, but now it just struck me as so obvious!

Diversity, as it appears, is just a measure of how many international students there are on campus, how many types of ethnic cuisine you tried, where you went to study abroad and how many surrounding countries you visited, and perhaps how many talks about international issues you attend.

ps:I was tempted to write a poem about this at first... but while I'm sure that would totally solve the problem, I decided plain words would express my point better.

Linked IN!

2010-04-01T21:48:00.000-04:00

Yeey, I'm finally Linked In. I feel very professional now, so wanted to put this out there.

Ioana Marin: http://www.linkedin.com/in/ioanaamarin

And because I'm going all into professionalism, I also have a website: sites.lafayette.edu/marini. Now who would have believed this?! Well certainly not me a couple of years back, but, as it turns out, I did change my mind about networking and blogging.

So... unleash technology!

Btw, did I mention that I am in a Topeka state of mind?! Thank you Google for this awesomely random April Fools' uhmm... statement :)

mirror mirror... uhm... in between...

2009-12-15T05:03:00.000-05:00

It’s not been long since I first learned about marriage ceremonies in Islam – perhaps about 2 years, when I made Nafis describe it to me in great detail… And I remember I was very surprised when he told me that after the marriage ritual is performed, the groom and the bride see each other in a mirror. Naturally I was like – “But why? As if they haven’t seen each other before or won’t look at each other from then on”… Well he didn’t really manage to explain it to me too well, but… I have been thinking about it when occasions popped in. Like when I was reading “A Thousand Splendid Suns” and the narrator describes Miriam’s wedding – she sees a man’s big and quite old face in the mirror and thinks “so this is my husband”… And then when Nafis’s childhood friend got married and I saw pictures of the bride and the groom and the mirror J

So last night as I was trying to fall asleep I was randomly thinking about this again… (quite random, I admit). But I was thinking of me being the bride (ami jani - jani, bhaia…) and having that mirror in front of me thinking ‘so this is, now, my husband…’ So I realized that, despite different interpretations of this mirror as being a symbol of purity and cleanliness, or a window to the Holy Quran, which is usually held under the mirror, or for good luck, or because the bride and groom are supposed to be shy and not look at each other in front of their parents… that mirror has quite a definite and rational role in a discreet way… which is exactly of realizing that the person sitting next to you is now your husband or your wife and seeing them as they are…

I realized recently that the image we have of ourselves is our own image and not really how the others see us… and I mean this literally, not the larger image of self that each of us have… I realized this on a recent visit to the Wellcome Collection, where they actually had a mirror that reflected the way the others see you – quite cool and it’s weird that I never thought of this before. So this ‘truth’ mirror shows how the other people see you – and it is a different image and, for me, it was a weird sensation... I also remembered that, when I look into the mirror and there is someone else besides me, my image of them is somewhat different and I often have the sensation of - ‘oh, so this is X…’. And this is because I see them as they see themselves and not as I usually see them!

So, coming back to the mirror and the wedding – it all makes a lot more sense now. I guess when one looks into that mirror and sees their new spouse it really is a moment of “So this is it! You’re my husband/ wife now and with you as you are I will spend the rest of my life (or a number of years, depending on the perspective :P). And with you as you are I’ll share everything and with you I’ll have to deal every day.” And hopefully, and perhaps if they love each other, they would also thinks something like ‘cool, I can really imagine doing that – I’m glad it’s you J’

I suppose this would really help at a time when one minute you’re single the other you’re married and so many things happen around you.

In conclusion, I don’t know how this whole thing sounds, but I feel like it’s a nice working theory for myself J and it feels good when I can explain myself something – not that this is not what my brain does every day.

Enough and Sufficiency

2009-12-05T06:32:00.000-05:00

I went to a roundtable talk today on this topic and it gave me some thinking to do... Very interesting talk indeed - part of a day long conference on the same topic, actually. I couldn't go for the entire thing because it was already booked out for students, but luckily I at least went for this talk that turned out a very fast passing 2 hours. Anyway, about the talk…

The main question was what is enough and how much is enough. A lot of it was climate change and environment oriented and some was also development oriented. And of course, there were examples given: like Simon Cowell or so (the guy from Britain’s Got Talent) who is not only filthy rich but also some kind of a snob because he eats out every day and he’s weekly meal expenditure sums up to more than 1,000 pounds (and that’s a lot of money! It got me through almost 2 months of living in London) and he uses this fancy black toiled paper (which, btw, they cutely call ‘loo’ here all the time) which also costs 10 pounds per roll… Another one was this lady who lived with 1 pound a day for a year and wrote a book about it – quite the opposite pole.

I think just bringing these two opposite examples up would make anyone willing to think to do so… And unfortunately there are too many relative terms involved in the questions that one may ask… What is enough for us to be happy? I enough just the minimum – edge amount/ condition for a decent living or is it having a good life? And then what is a decent living and what is having a good life? I mean, I would probably say that it’s decent to have a home with running water and heat and electricity and be able to afford food and clothes that are not torn or too worn off, medical care, and basic things like tv, phone and internet and a high school education.

But this is actually quite a lot and I’m now thinking that I’m quite demanding if I think what decent living would be from the perspective of a person who lives with less than $1 a day… And there are, unfortunately, too many of such people. But for them, really, a decent living would probably be just having enough food and water and a home and minimum clothing.

On the other hand, I remember when I was filling up the financial aid application for college there were specific spaces for amounts of money spent of clothing, entertainment, holidays, vehicles etc. in addition to food, utilities, education and healthcare. So I suppose that for an average ‘westerner’ decent living has a much higher meaning… perhaps going out at least once a week and being able to afford a vacation at least once a year or so… And no, I am not trying to imply that this is a bad thing, I’m just comparing points of view…

In Romania, I come from a middle class family (in the States or in London I’m probably underclass or sth J) but anyway… while I was in high school back home I put together a charity ball for this young single mom with 3 children… And I actually visited her and her children in her home and talked to her… it was a good life experience… She was living in this tiny house on a street you couldn’t go by car (and this is an industrialized city I live in) and there was a small room with 2 beds and another even smaller room before it that was the kitchen. Her husband or whatever he was had left to do stuff and ended up in prison and her relatives were either dead or alcoholics… and she had 3 small children so she couldn’t really work… They had no electricity or running water and barely any food or clothes… So we did this ball and it turned out a pretty big success… We managed to raise about $2-300, quite a considerable amount in Romanian money and we also collected a lot of clothes and cans, which we put in plastic bags. So when we went again to her to give them, we kind of filled her little garden; and I handed her the envelope with the money and she was shaking when I told her the amount because she had probably never held that amount all at once before… So now I’m thinking back… what was enough for that woman? She probably never expected to get so much from us, some high school students and she probably did think that what she got was more than enough and that maybe for a while her family would have, not only a decent, but a good life…

A good life… still with no electricity or running water… with no vacations or tv… If I were to define a good life for me as I see it I would probably include in the description things like – being able to get at least a new item every 2 months, being able to travel for about every break, being able to go out at least for special occasions, and I would probably not even include things like unlimited internet or education – because those would be self-understood and already included in the ‘decent life’…

Is this more than enough? Yes… and I do realize it if I think about it… I do realize I could live very well without traveling and going out so much… but on the other hand, if I can’t afford to grant myself these luxuries I feel quite frustrated and sad… why? Probably because I got used to having them or because I see other people having them and naturally I think why can’t I? One of the speakers was actually saying that one of the reason for which we want more and more is to gain social status and feel that we have more and perhaps are better than others because we have more… And this surely is something true, but not always… I think it’s also the aspect of seeing other people having certain things, which either make them happy or ease their lives and then we naturally want them too… It’s like… you see people traveling the world – you want to travel the world too… it’s exciting, it’s thrilling, you get to see so many things… of course you want to do it too… and not because you want to prove them that you can do it too… Or iphones… one wants to have them cause they are great… they feel nice, they can do so many things yet they are small etc etc… And yes, there are plenty of cases when one would want the iphone just because it’s the ‘in’ thing and perhaps in a group you’re not cool if you don’t have an iphone, but somehow I don’t quite think this is the general case…

So yeah… a lot of talk to be made about this idea of ‘enough’… As with all the relative terms… Because such terms, more than others (like house) mean different things to different people… and it is hard to give a leveling definition or even convince everyone to use the same definition… But, at the end of the day, I think some things are clear to everyone… I believe that everyone understands that living on $1 per day or less is too little and therefore not enough… or than spending 1000 pounds per week only on food is a lot and therefore more than enough… perhaps too much most would agree… In this case, I’m thinking, wouldn’t it just be so much easier to stop talking linguistics and avoid these vague terms?!

There was a time when I was doing MUNs and so I was reading resolution papers… and there were FULL of such vague terms… everything could have been subject to interpretation… as are politicians ‘speeches… ‘immediate action is needed’: what does this really say? As I said, I think although some concepts are ambiguous and relative (like sufficiency), we all have a basic understanding that some of us have too little and some of us have to much and it would really help if we shifted some amounts… something like a population vector towards the equilibrium position in neural networks (neuroscience concepts)…

‘I want to live beyond the modern mentality where paper is all we’re really taught to create’… it’s a line from a song called Oxygen, by Willy Mason… worth giving it a listen…

picture 1: Not enough - Robert realized soon that, sadly, there were not many flying elephants like him, by Xpectro

picture 2: Evening Standard: Too much is never enough, by gwalton1

New blog post

2009-07-16T22:43:00.000-04:00

So... wow! I can't believe I really started this with so... if I were still in school I would have to pay 50 cents to my teacher :P we had a deal, so that we would get out of the habit of starting a sentence with 'so'. Perhaps here, in the US, I should have such a deal for a lot more words, like 'so', 'like' (oh, that's a big one!), 'dude', 'man' etc etc.
In any case... the truth is I started with 'so' because I don't really know what to say. I mean, I feel like I should write something, but I don't have anything particular to write about. Which is why this is such a random post - sort of finding what I need to write about. Like in last night's House episode (4.16) when he couldn't remember who was dying... oh, that was a sad episode...
This is the end of my post tonight.

What I learned from Facebook quizzes…

2009-07-06T23:22:00.002-04:00

Facebook quizzes - everyone either loves them or gets annoyed by them. For me it's kinda both, but sometimes, esp when I'm stressed out, I find they are a good way of relaxing. And I find all these things about myself that I didn't even know about.I always wanted to put these up together somewhere, so here they are:

How will I die?

I will die peacefully in my bed.

What type of cheese am I?

I am a slice of American cheese.

What chemical element am I?

I am iron, Fe.

The name of the man I will marry:

I will marry Dan.

Am i a bitch?

I am a classy bitch

What famous bitch am I?

I am Sinnead O'Connor - a fierce bitch.

What evil history personality am I?

Stalin.

When will I get married?

In my late 20s or 30s.

What alcohol am I?

Laphroaig 10 Year Old Scotch Whisky!

How blonde am I?

0% blonde.

How old am I really?

I am really 20 yrs old.

Who is my perfect match?

Someone enthusiastic and outgoing.

What is my stripper name?

Crystal.

What do my eyes say?

My eyes say happy

What perfume am I?

I am Miss Dior Cherie

Who is the artists inside you?

Leonardo da Vinci

How black am I?

I'm 50% white

A quelle celebrite je resemble

Je resemble a Monica Belluci

What sexual position am I?

The doggy style

Am I a good girlfriend?

I am 100% perfect girlfriend

What type of girlfriend am I?

I am a romantic girlfriend

How am I rated in the bedroom dept?

10/10 hot hot hot

How long will our relationship last?

Our relationship will last forever

How perverted am I?

Completely unperverted

Do I have a dirty mind?

I have a dirty mastermind.

What celebrity should I marry?

Jude Law.

What wild animal am I?

I am a deer.

How virgin am I?

I am 50% virgin – a vagina tease.

What is my sex outfit?

Bad cop.

What type of lover am I?

I'm a sex addicted lover and my lover wants only me.

What is my brandname?

Giorgio Armani

What nationality makes the best lover for me?

Greek

Picture by Max-B: Facebook

Oxymorons

2009-05-11T04:49:00.000-04:00

So... 5 hours away from my Psyc 120 exam... I had a revelation - yes! yet another revelation. It is true I've been having quite a number lately, but! it's good... I like it. It's like I'm getting back a good part of my old me... who used to get a lot of revelations and ideas... After quite a while, I must say... It's probably because of college - I blame it on it. Not that it's bad, but it was quite a change in my life, and it's only now that I'm starting to re-balance myself... It feels good...

But this is not the revelation...

"I'll be always with you in your heart!" "I'll be always by your side, even when I'm not there..." They are words that sound nice... bring comfort to a lot of people. They used to bring comfort to me too, until I realized (too late?!) that they are quite some oxymorons that don't really mean much... I'll be always in your heart... it really is something like... I know you'll always think of me and... if you think I'll always love/ care/ support you, you, your positive thinking and my distant thought will help you... may God be with you... I know - it's a bit too much, but if you think about it...
The other one is pretty similar... I'll always be by your side, even when i'm not here... and I'll tell you everything is going to be fine. How about the person who will actually be by my side and really help me go through whatever crap this beautiful life will give me (no irony here... all words are meant as they are).

Bottomline is... I don't want you to be in my heart forever by myself... I only want that if I can be in your heart forever too... and then we can literally be on each other's sides... Friend, Love, buddy... don't be in my heart always... be with me... let's be with each other!

Pulse

2009-04-28T00:35:00.000-04:00

I was confused… sad… weird

… I didn’t know what to do…

Everything was just so agitated and it felt like all the molecules in me were moving savagely in a complete rage and instability…

faster and faster…

And I couldn’t find my place, my peace until… until my ear came close to your heart and heard:

Pulse – pulse – and repeat…so calm… so organized.

So I organized my breath and let my mind loose to hear the pulses. Finally peace…

Finally, that air in and out in pulses cooled my body and I could feel you again:

warm… loving… with me…

But then I moved to kiss you… and our tongues became gradually cold.

My ear was away from your heart and I couldn’t hear it anymore – and the coldness of our tongues made everything noisy in me again.

I was lost… I am lost… like a dot of color in space, which you cannot find coordinates because it’s moving too fast –

I am lost in my life, and I need time for everyone to find... myself... I. Me.

WHITE (by Irina A.)

2009-04-11T23:45:00.000-04:00

In the beginning we were breathing together, one from the other, as if each of us was the air of the other. In the beginning we didn’t know, everything was like a waiting, like the prediction of an intoxicating pleasure, as if we had restrained our craving for dreams and images expecting one that would cover all of them – special, overwhelming. Sometimes I think we were only waiting for a white light, that all we were looking for was the blindness and that this was the only one that could have convinced us. We were waiting to see each other until blindness. We were talking in silences. We were waiting and the words seemed to be floating, flying, jumping between us, I could touch them. They were the most real and alive words among all that we spoke. And all those who were watching us did not do anything but to see our conversations, word by word, syllable by syllable, sound by sound, words made of deafening images, noisy, painfully alive… as if… as if we had all heard the words by seeing them.

Then everything was turning into a crumble of emotions and we were delved in the euphoria of our moods. And each of us was trying to make the other into stone. Stay like this – I was telling you, leave me a single real crumble of you. Let me live with the impression that you will never have another look than this one, let me believe that your words will never know another roundness, let me feel that the hours will never try another contour but this one. And our time was vague and subjective, and it was a time made of plasticine, a time of foam that we would reconstruct each time that we were feeling overtaken by it. And then, when we would eventually come back to a real world, when we would strangle the seconds, when we would crush the linear minutes, when we would thicken the hours on paper, thirstily, brutally, until we scratched them, until they were bleeding, until the paper would peel off and the color would touch the glossy plastic of the covers, then… then we only wished but for everything to dissolve in a blinding white.

And we sewed the tips of our pointer fingers together and in the union of our hands we had hidden light. In the palm of my hand a sea of ink was resting, lazy, hungover, kissed on the half-opened eyes by a confused sky, unstable, imprinted by his hand. I believed in a future that only projected us into infinity and beyond the projection there was but a big and white patch, an unknown, like an end of our identity. When the words were fighting, noisy, when we only threw with cold and sharp glass crumbles, when the world started to shake and the walls were blackening, when the pieces of walls were falling and it was getting cold, when it smelled bitter and we were walking drunk towards the big patch of white, thirsty of humiliation and kneeling, when the edges were greeting us rounded in order to protect us and were bleeding our unsewn fingers, then… it seemed that everything was thrown from the skies just to be taken back. Then there were no saviors, nor decks for support. There were no hopes or caressing, and in all the stoves there were only piles of ashes. And any other proofs of affection were becoming disgusting, monstrous… appalling.

Then the words, broken, disinfected, carefully bandaged on the bleeding parts, were smiling asthenically at each other, as in an abdication, as if after their thinning now they were only looking to round back up, absorbing any crumble of light, any harmonious bonding, any ruined wall. We could never remember the sites of the scars, and in their place there were only symbols left. And, in the end, when we assessed the damage in an old and limping barrow, when we were gathering our smashed illusions, bleeding hopes, and carbonized dreams from the battlefield, we always found memories that brightened our day. And we started to know each other again, as if each time, following a conflict, we both died in order to revive only when we would meet again. And, both defeated, we were looking at each other surprised, in a noise of neutral words, how we survived this time again, like for the last time…

And outside night was falling in a sea of white…

This is an essay by a very dear friend of mine who unfortunately passed away this week needless to say too soon... but I guess I will just remember her as she was, given the fact that I still can't grasp or even imagine this... especially since it's hard to find a person that is so purely happy as she was... and so awed as everything that is beautiful or made her happy... She had a contagious jolliness and I guess I'll remember her every time I say something is preettyyy :)...

She had a really nice way of using words to express herself and always touched us when reading her essays... so another friend really liked this essay and she kept it. I translated it because... because I thought other people might like it...

in love and loving it

2008-11-30T00:17:00.000-05:00

It was not only once that someone tried to make me think that I'm uncool or narrow because I'm in a relationship, especially one that lasted more than a year now. Apparently, being in a relationship limits oneself and denies one from the otherwise limitless and greatly enjoyable experiences, opportunities and thrills of life - or just college life, maybe?! But really... I wonder how come I don't feel like that at all?!

I mean, I am perfectly happy and comfortable being in a relationship. I think loving someone, and being love in return, really is the greatest thing one can ever learn. Knowing that you can trust someone, that someone is there for you almost no matter what, or that you can always find comfort and understanding in someone - pretty much that someone is a friend and more than that and that he would not betray or hurt you deliberately ever...I believe that knowing, and rather feeling all this, gives one, at least me, happiness enough not to need to look for other great things...
I think that at one moment in time, I cannot have everything. I also know that what I really want and wish for is being happy and loved... and while "experiences" would give me some sort of thrill and excitement, I don't want to give the bird in hand for the one on the fence, especially since the one in hand is was more precious to me... Besides, I have a good share of thrill and excitement being in a relationship as well.

Now, I admit that it sometimes gets scary... when you may feel too dependent on one person... when you think that just as one person makes you so happy and at some point the person can go away with the happiness...
But really... there's nothing wrong with being in love and being with someone if it's a positive experience...

Of respect and civilization....

2008-11-09T18:14:00.000-05:00

I know 20 years of age is not a lot and one always keeps seeing and learning new things along the way... but I really thought that I have seen enough social human behaviors to form some realistic expectations about its boundaries and extremes in certain circumstances. I mean... I read books, magazines, and newspapers, I've been meeting people from all over the world and of different ages for the past...4 yrs, and I visited a number of countries in which I went to parties and clubs in addition to interacting people on a day-to-day basis...

Still, people never cease to amaze me with new experiences. I would have really never imagined that any girl would be so desperate for attention and for appreciation as to jump on any man she sees around her and try make out with them... I could have never imagined that any girl could enjoy sexual harassment... or that one's need for alcohol to feel good could be so great as to almost beg for it and give up all dignity...

I know that some people cannot imagine fun without alcohol. I came to learn this when I first came to the States. Before, in Europe that is, alcohol was just an addition to the fun and really not much than that. People do get drunk, but that's when they try to get an overdose of fun; and alcohol was never required to get a party started or keep it going. In the States... it's a lot different... and the real difference can be seen when Americans or people who live here for a while go to Europe... For them, fun is drinking, being drunk or wasted. Fun is when you go to some random guy you just met and beg them to make out with you and fuck you...

I guess this is why I haven't been a 'real active' member of the American community and chose to spend my time and fun with the other international students... I feel like most of them have more... character and dignity and even more... guts... I felt like there still are some principles maintained, even though they come from the fact that many of them were raised in conservative countries/families... But conservative is not necessarily bad... not even inhibitions are necessarily bad... Being yourself is definitely a good thing, but having no boundaries... that can be pretty dangerous...

So I was really disappointed to see these girls last night... 'enjoying the full benefits of American freedom and lack of constraints'... while losing any form of self respect at the same time............

is this the real life?... is this just fantasy?...

2008-08-04T03:46:00.000-04:00

Mhmm, I took a long walk/run this morning to burn some illegal stuff and got the chance to spend some time just with myself... well, and the world around. I had the phones on, of course, and I must say that just seeing the world moving is quite a show, and just hearing the music and your thoughts feels pretty good...

So off I went, wearing shorts, my lafayette t-shirt and my water bottle. I certainly didn't look like a usual neighborhood girl, and I could tell this by the way everyone was starring at me. But hey! why be normal? and then again, what's normal anyway... And then, while I was running and walking, I realised I was happy and smiling just like that... well, it's probably because of the happy email I got from Nafis this morning, cause he got home and was so excited... And I was excited and happy with him too... I think that was pretty cool! I mean, maybe each of our individual lives don't have exciting things happening daily and there are just too many things that usually make us upset, so being happy just because good things are happening to someone else is a really cool deal! This doesn't quite mean, of course, that I was upset or sth, but it usually really brightens my day when I hear someone being happy... those positive vibes are just sticky, and feels really good :)

Then I got to my first school... I went there two years of kindergarten and 4 years primary school... I found it small, they had changed the windows, and I guess the fence too, cause I don;t remember it being so high... And I went around the school, on the usual paths... I was pretty nervous... It was a shame that they closed the big field behind the school - I mean, they didn't really close it, just left it be... and now there was a lot of bad weeds growing there... and least they could have made it into a park... Then I got to the side field... how small it looked now... It's amazing, I remember exactly my first day of school in line there... and how I broke my leg playing football in 4th grade...

So I left... while going downhill I noticed my city...it doesn't necessarily look good at all, but it was pleasantly familiar. And then the Danube looked beautiful again in the morning sun, but this wast just because I was watching it from the upper promendade... it was big and shiny from there... however then I went down again... too much trash and garbage... even too many used condoms or condom packages (lol?!) and then there was this huuge gathering of garbage on the water and ppl were fishing just near it... So I was looking at it and, inspired as I was, I decided that tomorrow I'd take pictures of it and some other stuff and send them to the mayor with a letter. And I'm gonna ask some ppl to co-sign it with me :) social responsibility, right?!

Well, that's my walk, then I just came back. I mean not just came back... I was still thinking what to write in the letter and what I'm gonna do next year at laf... So peace to everyone! And green peace too :)

Good ol' Europe, Good ol' Home...

2008-07-31T15:43:00.000-04:00

Summer break... second half I spend home... home in my flat, home in Romania and home in Europe... pretty big, I know... it's my second time I come home after I started college and, like in winter, turns out home makes me realize and learn a lot of things... In its openness, college is a pretty closed world, at least from my point of view. The same people, the same environment, the same securities and insecurities... every day is different, but the same in its pattern... and the people change so slowly that you don't really see it... So college becomes the standard or normality - or so it did for me.

Now I came home in winter and came to realize that my mom's situation was not exactly as I was thinking it to be... I thought I hadn't changed at all and so did my friends - turns out I did, a bit... turns out, I need to change a bit more too... and learn how to be a good friend and then how to be a better girlfriend too, and then how to not hurt myself uselessly... So I did that, in winter-break and during spring semester... I learned and changed continuously...

So now I come home again... and summer break now feels much better than winter break did. I realize now how much I changed and that change is not a bad thing, even though my friends sometimes exclaim: 'How much you changed!' I feel better and have more peace of mind. And I feel stronger too. But apart from this, there are new things I learned again by being home.
I realized that it would be damn hard for me to integrate in the Romanian society again and live here. I can't anymore stand the rudeness and ignorance of the people here. I deserve respect, and good services for which I pay, and don't want to tolerate not getting them. I can't really bear the dirt on the streets, the disorganized queues or the people shouting at each other without even knowing for what. And above everything, why do most of the people do nothing but complain while still living in and supporting this fallacious system...

When I went back in winter I was happy when I went on the Danube promenade... it didn't happen anymore... it's dirty and it smells bad and there are too many 'cool' guys who have nothing better to do than to smoke and throw the cigarettes on the ground and eat sunflower seeds and throw them all over...

I realized all these when I was home, but it all appeared even clearer to me after I went to and returned from Italy. During this same time, however, I also realized I might not necessarily like living in the States either, unless I find a place I really like. So I decided to start roaming arnd the States more... (Boston in fall break?! :D)

to be continued... :P

if you are what you say you are, a superstar, then have no fear - the camera's here...

2008-06-07T20:44:00.000-04:00

There have been a lot of thoughts passing through my mind lately... some i caught, some i saved for later thinking, some i just let go... Anyway... this morning I remember something:

I must have been around 6-7 or so. That time I would spend almost my entire summer vacations playing outside with the other kids and one of the most exciting activities was taking care of and petting all the cat, kittens, dogs and puppies we would find around in the neighborhood. We would adopt any that was willing or not to be adopted, but many of them would just leave. However, we always had our favorites - the dogs we would grow from puppies. The were like our kids. See, the thing is when we would find puppies, we would take care of them, make them a shelter, give them and their mom food and all that. But many of them would be taken away by people to the countryside, or would just die. And usually like one or two would survive and grow. That was our baby. And the mother was some sort of buddy for us. So we always had a happy time together. I remember many times I would be sad or just alone outside waiting for my friends the dogs would just come to me and keep me company... cuddle - i know it sounds kind of strange. (On a side note I think it's pretty hard to understand if you never did this before. And even if you did, but then just grew up too much. )
So that's how the situation was with the dogs. The thing is, sometimes tragic accidents would happen, so the pets would get poisoned by mean neighbors, or they would get run-over by the cars. Those moments were really sad. We were all mourning for like a week or so. And still talk about the deceased for at least two weeks or so. Now that's a long time for kids, especially if they're mourning after dogs!

This one time one of our dearest dogs was run over by a car. He used to be really playful and that, so we liked him a lot. So then we made him a grave and put it there. Made him a small cross, after the good Christian tradition and put it on the grave... put flowers there.... And we were just sad. We went then to play, but of course couldn't quite forget. So at night when I went back home to have dinner and then go to sleep I was telling my mom about it. I remember she tried to look understanding and all that.
But then, when I was supposed to go sleep I asked her to stay with me or not turn off all lights cause I was scared. See, I was always scared by death, which is why I only attended one single funeral in my life. Impressive I know - thanks God my family was supportive about this. It's not like I'm scared that I will die or sth, but it's an idea I can't quite perceive except biologically, so i guess that's why it scares me. Anyway... so I told my mom I was scared but she said I shouldn't be a a fool cause there is nothing that can happen and I should go to sleep.

Now I WAS scared. I didn't know exactly of what - something having to do with the dead dog, that's what I knew. And I remember it took me a long time to fall asleep because I would get tensed at every small noise I heard and then I woke up repeatedly over the night, which is unusual for me. So I tried to explain my fear to my mom but she didn't quite understand me. A kid I was, that's true, but that dog was part of that universe. And death was sth totally strange and I really didn't know what it could do to me. But she thought rationally and didn't take me seriously. She probably considered I was too big to be into that sort of things. Because back when I was like 3 or 4 and I first heard the idea of death when an old woman in our building died she did take me seriously. Like she explained me how things were, and took me seriously a long time afterwards I would ask her 'will I die if I do this?'. But when I was 6 I was too much of a big girl to be scared of sth like that.

Well now... as I was saying my mom was thinking rationally. She was in one of those times: she was busy with work, making a lot of rational decisions, having a lot of rational things to worry about, so I should have been at least reasonable. But, see, my father... my father had less education, and was lazy, and not quite that caring. Not quite that rational - I believe he didn't make too many good decisions all by himself in his life. But he understood me back then. He did! When I was a kid and I would be scared, he too tried to explain me that there was nothing to be scared of and all that, but he would tell me something more: 'if daddy is here, you have nothing to be scared of. Daddy won't let anyone to hurt you.' Now that was really assuring for me. And it still is actually; silly me, I am indeed nothing but a kid. (I don't know how I'm gonna manage to grow up so quickly). But yeah... too bad my dad was not around too much. My mom did a really good job overall though - I grew up having little if no fears. She dealt with them in a very rational, scientific way. Like, I remember once she took me to the doctor cause I was scared of thunders. It's kinda funny. I don't know if it was the talk with the doctor (cause back then the whole thing looked scarier to me than the thunders), but now I'm not scared of them anymore ;) So yeag, she did a good job, but she never really made me feel secure... and safe... Maybe some times she would say mami's here, but I never had the certitude that nothing would happen to me if she was there...

So yeah... that's how my childhood fears were and were dealt with as well. Now, I still have fears every once on a while. Some times more often or more than during other times. Like, this one night I was showering in my empty dorm and was really scared that some hairy disgusting man would open the curtain, pull me out, rape me and then kill me. Pretty scary I know. But I didn't feel quite safe in this campus during that time anyway, and the empty dorm, and... it's amazing what the brain can do, really! after all, it's always about the brain going wild. So I finished my shower as quickly as I could and then I really ran to my room, where Nafis was waiting for me. And I told him that I was scared and all that, but he didn't quite tell me serious. He was like 'oh, come on'. Yeah, on I came but i was still scared. It was definitely relieving that he was there though, cause it would have been pretty bad if I was alone. So that's what it happens when I'm scared now.

But that's when I'm scared of sth physical. Cause sometimes I'm also scared of more none-physical stuff. And most commonly I'm scared of things that make me insecure. Yeah, quite a lot of words in the same semantic field. People don't quite understand this either. Like I would get into a conflict and then I get scared. I do. No matter how strong I feel about my argument, there is that imbalance that makes me insecure. And no-one quite knows, or maybe they just don't quite look at it that way or sth... rationally, everything's fine. And the argument is solved and that's it... well, it's not quite like that. My insecurity is still there. And I try solving it all by myself but... it would really be so much easier if whoever it was just tried not to think just solved/unsolved and rationally... and if that person, be it my mom, my boyfriend, or my friend, just lay it down for me that 'this is why everything is fine. And still, no matter what, as long as I'm around, I will make sure nothing is hurting you'. It's amazing...

Anyway, in the mean time, people don't quite understand me this way. Now, this, according to Emerson, may mean that I'm great, cause - To be great is to be misunderstood, but I'd rather I was more humble than great... I want to be understood. And not only in this matter. But in what I feel and think. And my ideas, and my scientific theories, when I would have had them, that is ;)

The greatest thing

2008-04-19T02:08:00.000-04:00

you'll ever learn... is just to love and be loved in return...

I felt like writing this... maybe some would say love is over-rated, some would say it is under-rated... I say this idea is really what is all about... and what it should be perhaps :)

I say this because I feel this. And I've felt it before, when I was happy or when I was sad... when this 'crazy little thing called love' gave me wings to fly or when it made me hide inside myself altogether. Things happen, and a lot of this may come along the way, but really... as humans, that's the greatest thing we could really learn... and it's pretty tough to learn to do it properly, especially because love is not only about the 'significant other', but about a lot more people that matter in our lives and we should learn to love and whose love to accept as it is...

But that's too much talking already...

Randomness...

2008-04-03T22:03:00.000-04:00

Randomness - that's exactly it. I'm writing right now out of pure randomness: I just woke up from sleep, I have tons of work... I'm hearing this girl on my floor talking about frat boys, sex, relationships and what people think (hmm, maybe that would be nice to talk about in this randomness) and she has no idea that I can hear everything she says, and out of the blue I still don't feel like working... or going to the library and seeing all that many people... so... I'm just seeing a movie and writing this blog :P then I'll study - or I'll sleep, we'll see how things go. But for now, back to the just decided. {nice line from the movie: Just because you're lost it doesn't mean that the Earth compass is broken}

Let's see... why would one care about what the other people think? My stand is that we shouldn't. Seriously, what do I have to do with all the people whom I meet randomly at a party, on a street and I just interact with for a couple of minutes or even for a night. I believe I'm good enough for people to like me in 8.5/10 interactions :P... that's a good enough ratio for me I think. And then, for someone to really know me, they need to spend some time... I learned not to judge people on appearances and I learned it's useless to try to impress someone. Say you have some stuff you want people not to notice and you're trying all that hard for people to like you... well people might like you, and then they'll want to spend more and more time with you, because they like you, but... tough luck... no one can pretend forever. You just can't pretend forever, it comes a time when you just get tired and say - screw it. And if you don't and end up living your life trying to make people like you and be by some standards... it's really sad...

What standards are we trying to meet? Society! yes... and structures! yes... the system! another one... all these set standards right?! very true... but hmm... people seemed to manage to create their own lifestyle and escape the 'system' hundreds of years ago. They could just be however they wanted... So if they managed to do this back then, I'm pretty sure anyone could manage today, when the societies are so much more liberal... where there is so much more space for everyone to develop in their own special way... Screw society, structures and the system... seriously... it's not worth it... we only have one life to live, so forget how people think and be genuine... I think if more people were genuine about what they were doing and were not doing most of the things because they 'have to', without taking responsibility for it but rather placing it on... whoever... if more people were really more genuine and did what they really felt like doing (like me watching this movie right now :P kidding) we'll all be better off, our interactions would be more meaningful and it would be easier for us to grow, and bloom... I always remember Little Miss Sunshine... gorgeous movie! there is a line there in which I fully believe: If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly as easy as that.

What people think... it is important, but only as long as they know you, if they don't, it's not worth it... at all... I don't know how coherent I've been... I'll find out when I read it over some time, but by then, the movie is close to its end, so... I'll get a full grasp of that ;) As an ending... how about make love not war... I think that's a good one in essence.

Longing for peace...

2008-03-16T19:28:00.001-04:00

I've been longing for peace in a while now... at first I was extremely happy - hyper happy... it was a good feeling... some sort of overdose of serotonin that made me very jumpy. Then it came a very bad time when I was damn sad... and after this pissed off at life and myself... totally energy depleting... Luckily, the first period was way longer than the second one! It was all like a really good extended trip followed by a really bad one... to make use of some newly acquired terminology.

But now I just want peace... like in the Requiem by Faure that I'm doing with the choir. Requiem aeterna et lux perpetua... it's just that I want it while I'm still living. I hope I don't really have to die to find peace... that would be really sad.

But I want peace... I want peace with the people around me... and I want peace with my life and this world... and I want peace with myself! TRUCE! deep breath... a sigh... another deep breath... wipe all the tears - Ive exceeded the limit lately... throw away all the fears... (ups, I didn't mean to do rhyming)... all the insecurities... another sigh... it's kind of hard... not that easy at all... and another deep breath - it's gonna be alright! I trust myself: every time I say this it is so... it's not even hard to understand: I work to make it be so... so yeah: I'm going to make everything be alright... and another deep breath... it feels good - I have a certainty... put on a smile... not to wide... I don't need that... I just need peace. Don't want to exceed any level of excitation, be it in plus or minus... So I'm practicing with a smile... it feels nice... I'm going to keep it on... another deep breath... some people ask me if everything is alright... oh yes... now it is... I know - I'm not up anymore... I'm settled... and it feels good... it feels very good... deep breaths... a walk... some sun... music... flowers... peaceful people... here, some peace...

I'm almost there... I think I've found it... this empty campus and some people around here helped me... they don't even know... If I thank them, Basu will probably ask why and smile delighted and Farhan will probably ask, his usual tone what's wrong with you? seriously! and I probably won't bother to answer... I should keep explanations to the minimum... trying too hard to make people understand me... it's peace consuming... another deep breath... smile... forget explanations and reasons... and if it is really important for anyone, they need to give me time... time... I now have time... what's with all this rush? we have time... I thought I learned that way back... I have time for everything... to live every moment - that's right! carpe diem... and I won't let anyone rush me... rush without me... I'm not racing through life... he he... I even find it funny... trying to explain all this to Nafis I forgot it myself... I wonder how this happened?! anyways... I kind of lost myself in this agitation... some sort of close system that became over-pressurized... my mom... oh, my mom! it wouldn't have been that hard if she was here... she always took care of me when I had got carried away... Now I had to do it now I need some time to all by myself... and I did it... good for me! ... another deep breath... i found peace... assimilate it... time... maybe another walk... definitely some music... 'insignificant' activities... and some people... some sun and some colours... and there shall be my peace...
now, I feel like I need to put this poem here:

I was so tired
and suffering.
I think I was suffering from too much soul.

Across the hills the dawns were opening their eyelids
with eyes red with sleeplessness.

Lost - I asked myself:
Sun,
how can you still feel the crazy joy
of rising?

And in that sleepless morning
as I strolled with leaden steps,
in a hidden corner I came across a cradle.
Spiders wove their tiny worlds in it
and woodworms milled its silence.

I watched it with thoughts opened wide.
It was the cradle
in which a hand, today aged by my fate,
had rocked
my first sleep and perhaps my first dream.

With the fingers of memory
I groped
gently,
gently,
my past like a blind man
and without knowing why
I crumbled
and with great sobs
began to cry over
my cradle.

I was so tired
of spring,
of roses,
of youth,
and of laughing.
Fumbling, my hands searched in the old cradle
hoping to find myself there
- as a child.
Lucian Blaga, The Cradle (Leaganul)

'Mother! a big misfortune has happened to me... bear me again!'

2008-03-10T01:22:00.000-04:00

'and if I cant make it then either, bear me again... and again... and again...' That's a quote from 'Iona', a play by Marin Sorescu - a really crazy and amazing Romanian dramatist.

How cool would it be? If we could just be born again every time we screw sth? or we get hurt? or we don't know what to do? or when we have an exam the next day and can't study? how cool would that be? Or maybe we could have a brainwash, like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Just have all memories erased and start a brand new life...

I guess sometimes we all wish for such stuff... I do to... today I even wished for anti-freaking pills! I think if they made that I would become the greatest addict (thanks god they haven't - I hate addictions... I would probably hate myself). I'm really bad when I start freaking out... I can't deal with myself, no wonder other people can't. However much I sometimes wish for this though, and however much I screw stuff at times... it doesn't last long... I wouldn't really like to always take it from the ground every time...

I actually think everything happens for a reason... be it just to learn, just to feel sth new and know how that feels... Just imagine every time you would have to learn over and over again... I mean, we live a life, we have all our memories plus other people's experiences to learn from and we still screw it over and over again... there are things we never learn... there are thing we learn late... sometimes too late... but forget that... the point is... I would never give my experiences away just for every time I screw it...

True, I wish I didn't screw it that often... but I can't seem to help it... I am stubborn... headstrong (well here's a problem! Mr. Collins wouldn't marry me anymore). My mom always told me that... my teachers always told me that... they always tried to make me more flexible... but I couldn't help...I'm headstrong... some people say I have a strong personality... well I guess... or maybe I'm sometimes just too weak... I'm just too weak... I freak out... but I'm headstrong... and I really want to solve stuff... so I become somehow really keen on what I'm doing... which may seem like a strong personality... The truth is... I'm just headstrong... and stubborn... my mom could never get me out of that... and oh! I tell you she tried. I tried myself. I still am!!! very perseverent. I think it comes from stubbornness as well. My teacher of English, when she had to describe me, she said I'm stubborn and affectionate, but that stubbornness is nicely put as determination...
So here I am... very determined!

But yeah... I guess I just try to compensate my stubbornness with being affectionate... I'm always trying to... and to be kind.... and nice... NICE... smile... make people smile... make people happy... I care... I really do... some may say I'm selfish... I care because it makes me feel good... bullshit... I sometimes think I care because I'm the greatest fool on this planet... it doesn't really bring me much benefit... actually, it sometimes doesn't seem to bring other people much benefit either... So why should I care?! well, I can't really help it... I tried not to - oh, yes I did... it never worked out... other people tried to teach me... it never worked out... but I am determined!

See, I'm trying so hard... sometimes I wonder why... I sometimes wonder why I can't really seem to fit among people... I always want more... I want intensity... meaning... I want feelings... I don't want to pass through this life like a duck on water... without getting wet... I want to get wet... I'll dry myself afterwards... but it sometimes is incredibly hard... sometimes I just wish I was normal... special just like everyone else... but no! guess what?!... I'm stubborn and I care... and I can't seem to help it...

I don't really know what I mean by what I wrote... I just felt like this... I think the way I am sometimes doesn't really help me at all... sometimes it helps a lot... I don't want to judge which is more... after all, I can't help it. I've been trying for 19 years... I can't help... whoever is around me... I guess I just have to learn to deal with me... I'm sorry I'm not perfect... I am stubborn... I am affectionate... but I am much more than that... pluses and minuses to me... and I sometimes think that if people learned to accept and deal with my minuses, they just had a lot to gain from the pluses...

I guess I'll just end here... and no, I wouldn't really like to be born again... not at all...

My Vagina Monologue

2008-03-02T19:10:00.000-05:00

Well, there are two things that determined the writing of this post: 1. somehow I created this blog (actually Nafis created it for me, but that's not the point) and 2. since I'm doing this Vagina Monologues play and I've been hearing a lot about other women's vagina, I think it is fair to my vagina to talk about her.
See, it is a 'she' first of all. I couldn't call a vagina a 'it'. It's something entirely feminine, very well gender-determined. Actually, now that I'm thinking of it, I can't believe 'vagina' is a masculine noun in Romanian. But yes, it has to be feminine. I mean, you call a ship a 'she' and you would call a vagina a 'it'. Impossible!

So now that I've established this, let's move on. I should warn you that this is a totally random thing and does not respect any writing composition norms (let alone college writing ones). It just respects my mind's and you can rest assured that they are the most random ones ever.

Anyways, my vagina! Well, I think my vagina is a really cool thing... place... body part - I believe that this is the fairest. And I mean cool in the sense of great or awesome or other synonyms, not chilly. Because literally speaking, my vagina is a pretty hot place... very cosy... it's like... the place to be on a cold day of winter. Not even winter. But you know when it's raining outside and it's cold and you really want to stay in your bed under the blanket and just enjoy the comfort and think... I think my vagina is such a place... And you should not have second thoughts about the 'thinking' part. I guess the vagina leads to wonderful thinking, meditation, or imagination sessions - at least mine does. Just think of how many things cross your mind only when you say the word 'vagina'. You can think of the anatomy... the exterior - so well protected, so well hidden... and when she opens up... ... ... I think it's just special... it would be lovely to hear a guy's perspective, but I feel that when a woman (I would say any woman, but I'm not really sure how this works with sex workers - I'd love to know) opens up her legs and lets her vagina exposed, it's like she exposes her very essence as a woman, all her femininity: so vulnerable and so strong at the same time... and then the interior - it's like a mystery cave... and I could go on and on...

But this is just anatomy... you can take it to a superior level: for instance, think philosophically - how is it possible that a vagina can cause so much happiness so easily, when people struggle to find the secret of happiness in life and can't seem to find it... something like this...
I tell you, my vagina made me ask myself a lot of questions... she created so many images in my head... so many colors... and this is not bullshit. I don't really care for who believes me or not (actually, I don't really care if whoever reads this blog), but I think I've lived with my vagina for long enough to know her strengths and weaknesses. Actually, maybe I should mention her weaknesses as well. Her greatest weakness is that she is really sensitive... she is so easy to be bruised or hurt... which is why she's so well protected... but I think this sensitivity is really beautiful... this sensitivity... it's like a poppy. This is actually how I see my vagina... like a poppy. At first I thought it would be a red carnation... red carnations are just... so full, so sensual, so voluptuous... But actually, voluptuousness is not a fundamental property of my vagina... maybe of my body, but I'm unsure... I'd say my vagina is just essentially sensual - she just creates such a complex sensory experience... just like a poppy... she's red - no doubts, she's so soft and fragile - if your too harsh you hurt it, she can't stay exposed too much - she needs her intimacy and protection... and then the seeds of the poppy...

I'm gonna stop here with the poppy... Actually, I'm gonna stop here with the whole vagina monologue. However, I should just answer two more questions - tough questions:
1. What would she say?
hmm... Love me, please me, never leave me.
2. What would she wear?
just perfume... Channel Chance or J'adore - alternatively every 3 days...

And with this, I did justice to my vagina...