in love and loving it

It was not only once that someone tried to make me think that I'm uncool or narrow because I'm in a relationship, especially one that lasted more than a year now. Apparently, being in a relationship limits oneself and denies one from the otherwise limitless and greatly enjoyable experiences, opportunities and thrills of life - or just college life, maybe?! But really... I wonder how come I don't feel like that at all?!

I mean, I am perfectly happy and comfortable being in a relationship. I think loving someone, and being love in return, really is the greatest thing one can ever learn. Knowing that you can trust someone, that someone is there for you almost no matter what, or that you can always find comfort and understanding in someone - pretty much that someone is a friend and more than that and that he would not betray or hurt you deliberately ever...I believe that knowing, and rather feeling all this, gives one, at least me, happiness enough not to need to look for other great things...
I think that at one moment in time, I cannot have everything. I also know that what I really want and wish for is being happy and loved... and while "experiences" would give me some sort of thrill and excitement, I don't want to give the bird in hand for the one on the fence, especially since the one in hand is was more precious to me... Besides, I have a good share of thrill and excitement being in a relationship as well.

Now, I admit that it sometimes gets scary... when you may feel too dependent on one person... when you think that just as one person makes you so happy and at some point the person can go away with the happiness...
But really... there's nothing wrong with being in love and being with someone if it's a positive experience...

Of respect and civilization....

I know 20 years of age is not a lot and one always keeps seeing and learning new things along the way... but I really thought that I have seen enough social human behaviors to form some realistic expectations about its boundaries and extremes in certain circumstances. I mean... I read books, magazines, and newspapers, I've been meeting people from all over the world and of different ages for the past...4 yrs, and I visited a number of countries in which I went to parties and clubs in addition to interacting people on a day-to-day basis...

Still, people never cease to amaze me with new experiences. I would have really never imagined that any girl would be so desperate for attention and for appreciation as to jump on any man she sees around her and try make out with them... I could have never imagined that any girl could enjoy sexual harassment... or that one's need for alcohol to feel good could be so great as to almost beg for it and give up all dignity...

I know that some people cannot imagine fun without alcohol. I came to learn this when I first came to the States. Before, in Europe that is, alcohol was just an addition to the fun and really not much than that. People do get drunk, but that's when they try to get an overdose of fun; and alcohol was never required to get a party started or keep it going. In the States... it's a lot different... and the real difference can be seen when Americans or people who live here for a while go to Europe... For them, fun is drinking, being drunk or wasted. Fun is when you go to some random guy you just met and beg them to make out with you and fuck you...

I guess this is why I haven't been a 'real active' member of the American community and chose to spend my time and fun with the other international students... I feel like most of them have more... character and dignity and even more... guts... I felt like there still are some principles maintained, even though they come from the fact that many of them were raised in conservative countries/families... But conservative is not necessarily bad... not even inhibitions are necessarily bad... Being yourself is definitely a good thing, but having no boundaries... that can be pretty dangerous...

So I was really disappointed to see these girls last night... 'enjoying the full benefits of American freedom and lack of constraints'... while losing any form of self respect at the same time............

is this the real life?... is this just fantasy?...

Mhmm, I took a long walk/run this morning to burn some illegal stuff and got the chance to spend some time just with myself... well, and the world around. I had the phones on, of course, and I must say that just seeing the world moving is quite a show, and just hearing the music and your thoughts feels pretty good...

So off I went, wearing shorts, my lafayette t-shirt and my water bottle. I certainly didn't look like a usual neighborhood girl, and I could tell this by the way everyone was starring at me. But hey! why be normal? and then again, what's normal anyway... And then, while I was running and walking, I realised I was happy and smiling just like that... well, it's probably because of the happy email I got from Nafis this morning, cause he got home and was so excited... And I was excited and happy with him too... I think that was pretty cool! I mean, maybe each of our individual lives don't have exciting things happening daily and there are just too many things that usually make us upset, so being happy just because good things are happening to someone else is a really cool deal! This doesn't quite mean, of course, that I was upset or sth, but it usually really brightens my day when I hear someone being happy... those positive vibes are just sticky, and feels really good :)

Then I got to my first school... I went there two years of kindergarten and 4 years primary school... I found it small, they had changed the windows, and I guess the fence too, cause I don;t remember it being so high... And I went around the school, on the usual paths... I was pretty nervous... It was a shame that they closed the big field behind the school - I mean, they didn't really close it, just left it be... and now there was a lot of bad weeds growing there... and least they could have made it into a park... Then I got to the side field... how small it looked now... It's amazing, I remember exactly my first day of school in line there... and how I broke my leg playing football in 4th grade...

So I left... while going downhill I noticed my city...it doesn't necessarily look good at all, but it was pleasantly familiar. And then the Danube looked beautiful again in the morning sun, but this wast just because I was watching it from the upper promendade... it was big and shiny from there... however then I went down again... too much trash and garbage... even too many used condoms or condom packages (lol?!) and then there was this huuge gathering of garbage on the water and ppl were fishing just near it... So I was looking at it and, inspired as I was, I decided that tomorrow I'd take pictures of it and some other stuff and send them to the mayor with a letter. And I'm gonna ask some ppl to co-sign it with me :) social responsibility, right?!

Well, that's my walk, then I just came back. I mean not just came back... I was still thinking what to write in the letter and what I'm gonna do next year at laf... So peace to everyone! And green peace too :)