Saturday, June 7

if you are what you say you are, a superstar, then have no fear - the camera's here...

There have been a lot of thoughts passing through my mind lately... some i caught, some i saved for later thinking, some i just let go... Anyway... this morning I remember something:

I must have been around 6-7 or so. That time I would spend almost my entire summer vacations playing outside with the other kids and one of the most exciting activities was taking care of and petting all the cat, kittens, dogs and puppies we would find around in the neighborhood. We would adopt any that was willing or not to be adopted, but many of them would just leave. However, we always had our favorites - the dogs we would grow from puppies. The were like our kids. See, the thing is when we would find puppies, we would take care of them, make them a shelter, give them and their mom food and all that. But many of them would be taken away by people to the countryside, or would just die. And usually like one or two would survive and grow. That was our baby. And the mother was some sort of buddy for us. So we always had a happy time together. I remember many times I would be sad or just alone outside waiting for my friends the dogs would just come to me and keep me company... cuddle - i know it sounds kind of strange. (On a side note I think it's pretty hard to understand if you never did this before. And even if you did, but then just grew up too much. )
So that's how the situation was with the dogs. The thing is, sometimes tragic accidents would happen, so the pets would get poisoned by mean neighbors, or they would get run-over by the cars. Those moments were really sad. We were all mourning for like a week or so. And still talk about the deceased for at least two weeks or so. Now that's a long time for kids, especially if they're mourning after dogs!

This one time one of our dearest dogs was run over by a car. He used to be really playful and that, so we liked him a lot. So then we made him a grave and put it there. Made him a small cross, after the good Christian tradition and put it on the grave... put flowers there.... And we were just sad. We went then to play, but of course couldn't quite forget. So at night when I went back home to have dinner and then go to sleep I was telling my mom about it. I remember she tried to look understanding and all that.
But then, when I was supposed to go sleep I asked her to stay with me or not turn off all lights cause I was scared. See, I was always scared by death, which is why I only attended one single funeral in my life. Impressive I know - thanks God my family was supportive about this. It's not like I'm scared that I will die or sth, but it's an idea I can't quite perceive except biologically, so i guess that's why it scares me. Anyway... so I told my mom I was scared but she said I shouldn't be a a fool cause there is nothing that can happen and I should go to sleep.

Now I WAS scared. I didn't know exactly of what - something having to do with the dead dog, that's what I knew. And I remember it took me a long time to fall asleep because I would get tensed at every small noise I heard and then I woke up repeatedly over the night, which is unusual for me. So I tried to explain my fear to my mom but she didn't quite understand me. A kid I was, that's true, but that dog was part of that universe. And death was sth totally strange and I really didn't know what it could do to me. But she thought rationally and didn't take me seriously. She probably considered I was too big to be into that sort of things. Because back when I was like 3 or 4 and I first heard the idea of death when an old woman in our building died she did take me seriously. Like she explained me how things were, and took me seriously a long time afterwards I would ask her 'will I die if I do this?'. But when I was 6 I was too much of a big girl to be scared of sth like that.

Well now... as I was saying my mom was thinking rationally. She was in one of those times: she was busy with work, making a lot of rational decisions, having a lot of rational things to worry about, so I should have been at least reasonable. But, see, my father... my father had less education, and was lazy, and not quite that caring. Not quite that rational - I believe he didn't make too many good decisions all by himself in his life. But he understood me back then. He did! When I was a kid and I would be scared, he too tried to explain me that there was nothing to be scared of and all that, but he would tell me something more: 'if daddy is here, you have nothing to be scared of. Daddy won't let anyone to hurt you.' Now that was really assuring for me. And it still is actually; silly me, I am indeed nothing but a kid. (I don't know how I'm gonna manage to grow up so quickly). But yeah... too bad my dad was not around too much. My mom did a really good job overall though - I grew up having little if no fears. She dealt with them in a very rational, scientific way. Like, I remember once she took me to the doctor cause I was scared of thunders. It's kinda funny. I don't know if it was the talk with the doctor (cause back then the whole thing looked scarier to me than the thunders), but now I'm not scared of them anymore ;) So yeag, she did a good job, but she never really made me feel secure... and safe... Maybe some times she would say mami's here, but I never had the certitude that nothing would happen to me if she was there...

So yeah... that's how my childhood fears were and were dealt with as well. Now, I still have fears every once on a while. Some times more often or more than during other times. Like, this one night I was showering in my empty dorm and was really scared that some hairy disgusting man would open the curtain, pull me out, rape me and then kill me. Pretty scary I know. But I didn't feel quite safe in this campus during that time anyway, and the empty dorm, and... it's amazing what the brain can do, really! after all, it's always about the brain going wild. So I finished my shower as quickly as I could and then I really ran to my room, where Nafis was waiting for me. And I told him that I was scared and all that, but he didn't quite tell me serious. He was like 'oh, come on'. Yeah, on I came but i was still scared. It was definitely relieving that he was there though, cause it would have been pretty bad if I was alone. So that's what it happens when I'm scared now.

But that's when I'm scared of sth physical. Cause sometimes I'm also scared of more none-physical stuff. And most commonly I'm scared of things that make me insecure. Yeah, quite a lot of words in the same semantic field. People don't quite understand this either. Like I would get into a conflict and then I get scared. I do. No matter how strong I feel about my argument, there is that imbalance that makes me insecure. And no-one quite knows, or maybe they just don't quite look at it that way or sth... rationally, everything's fine. And the argument is solved and that's it... well, it's not quite like that. My insecurity is still there. And I try solving it all by myself but... it would really be so much easier if whoever it was just tried not to think just solved/unsolved and rationally... and if that person, be it my mom, my boyfriend, or my friend, just lay it down for me that 'this is why everything is fine. And still, no matter what, as long as I'm around, I will make sure nothing is hurting you'. It's amazing...

Anyway, in the mean time, people don't quite understand me this way. Now, this, according to Emerson, may mean that I'm great, cause - To be great is to be misunderstood, but I'd rather I was more humble than great... I want to be understood. And not only in this matter. But in what I feel and think. And my ideas, and my scientific theories, when I would have had them, that is ;)