Sunday, November 30

in love and loving it


It was not only once that someone tried to make me think that I'm uncool or narrow because I'm in a relationship, especially one that lasted more than a year now. Apparently, being in a relationship limits oneself and denies one from the otherwise limitless and greatly enjoyable experiences, opportunities and thrills of life - or just college life, maybe?! But really... I wonder how come I don't feel like that at all?!

I mean, I am perfectly happy and comfortable being in a relationship. I think loving someone, and being love in return, really is the greatest thing one can ever learn. Knowing that you can trust someone, that someone is there for you almost no matter what, or that you can always find comfort and understanding in someone - pretty much that someone is a friend and more than that and that he would not betray or hurt you deliberately ever...I believe that knowing, and rather feeling all this, gives one, at least me, happiness enough not to need to look for other great things...
I think that at one moment in time, I cannot have everything. I also know that what I really want and wish for is being happy and loved... and while "experiences" would give me some sort of thrill and excitement, I don't want to give the bird in hand for the one on the fence, especially since the one in hand is was more precious to me... Besides, I have a good share of thrill and excitement being in a relationship as well.

Now, I admit that it sometimes gets scary... when you may feel too dependent on one person... when you think that just as one person makes you so happy and at some point the person can go away with the happiness...
But really... there's nothing wrong with being in love and being with someone if it's a positive experience...

Sunday, November 9

Of respect and civilization....

I know 20 years of age is not a lot and one always keeps seeing and learning new things along the way... but I really thought that I have seen enough social human behaviors to form some realistic expectations about its boundaries and extremes in certain circumstances. I mean... I read books, magazines, and newspapers, I've been meeting people from all over the world and of different ages for the past...4 yrs, and I visited a number of countries in which I went to parties and clubs in addition to interacting people on a day-to-day basis...

Still, people never cease to amaze me with new experiences. I would have really never imagined that any girl would be so desperate for attention and for appreciation as to jump on any man she sees around her and try make out with them... I could have never imagined that any girl could enjoy sexual harassment... or that one's need for alcohol to feel good could be so great as to almost beg for it and give up all dignity...

I know that some people cannot imagine fun without alcohol. I came to learn this when I first came to the States. Before, in Europe that is, alcohol was just an addition to the fun and really not much than that. People do get drunk, but that's when they try to get an overdose of fun; and alcohol was never required to get a party started or keep it going. In the States... it's a lot different... and the real difference can be seen when Americans or people who live here for a while go to Europe... For them, fun is drinking, being drunk or wasted. Fun is when you go to some random guy you just met and beg them to make out with you and fuck you...

I guess this is why I haven't been a 'real active' member of the American community and chose to spend my time and fun with the other international students... I feel like most of them have more... character and dignity and even more... guts... I felt like there still are some principles maintained, even though they come from the fact that many of them were raised in conservative countries/families... But conservative is not necessarily bad... not even inhibitions are necessarily bad... Being yourself is definitely a good thing, but having no boundaries... that can be pretty dangerous...

So I was really disappointed to see these girls last night... 'enjoying the full benefits of American freedom and lack of constraints'... while losing any form of self respect at the same time............

Monday, August 4

is this the real life?... is this just fantasy?...


Mhmm, I took a long walk/run this morning to burn some illegal stuff and got the chance to spend some time just with myself... well, and the world around. I had the phones on, of course, and I must say that just seeing the world moving is quite a show, and just hearing the music and your thoughts feels pretty good...

So off I went, wearing shorts, my lafayette t-shirt and my water bottle. I certainly didn't look like a usual neighborhood girl, and I could tell this by the way everyone was starring at me. But hey! why be normal? and then again, what's normal anyway... And then, while I was running and walking, I realised I was happy and smiling just like that... well, it's probably because of the happy email I got from Nafis this morning, cause he got home and was so excited... And I was excited and happy with him too... I think that was pretty cool! I mean, maybe each of our individual lives don't have exciting things happening daily and there are just too many things that usually make us upset, so being happy just because good things are happening to someone else is a really cool deal! This doesn't quite mean, of course, that I was upset or sth, but it usually really brightens my day when I hear someone being happy... those positive vibes are just sticky, and feels really good :)

Then I got to my first school... I went there two years of kindergarten and 4 years primary school... I found it small, they had changed the windows, and I guess the fence too, cause I don;t remember it being so high... And I went around the school, on the usual paths... I was pretty nervous... It was a shame that they closed the big field behind the school - I mean, they didn't really close it, just left it be... and now there was a lot of bad weeds growing there... and least they could have made it into a park... Then I got to the side field... how small it looked now... It's amazing, I remember exactly my first day of school in line there... and how I broke my leg playing football in 4th grade...


So I left... while going downhill I noticed my city...it doesn't necessarily look good at all, but it was pleasantly familiar. And then the Danube looked beautiful again in the morning sun, but this wast just because I was watching it from the upper promendade... it was big and shiny from there... however then I went down again... too much trash and garbage... even too many used condoms or condom packages (lol?!) and then there was this huuge gathering of garbage on the water and ppl were fishing just near it... So I was looking at it and, inspired as I was, I decided that tomorrow I'd take pictures of it and some other stuff and send them to the mayor with a letter. And I'm gonna ask some ppl to co-sign it with me :) social responsibility, right?!

Well, that's my walk, then I just came back. I mean not just came back... I was still thinking what to write in the letter and what I'm gonna do next year at laf... So peace to everyone! And green peace too :)

Thursday, July 31

Good ol' Europe, Good ol' Home...

Summer break... second half I spend home... home in my flat, home in Romania and home in Europe... pretty big, I know... it's my second time I come home after I started college and, like in winter, turns out home makes me realize and learn a lot of things... In its openness, college is a pretty closed world, at least from my point of view. The same people, the same environment, the same securities and insecurities... every day is different, but the same in its pattern... and the people change so slowly that you don't really see it... So college becomes the standard or normality - or so it did for me.

Now I came home in winter and came to realize that my mom's situation was not exactly as I was thinking it to be... I thought I hadn't changed at all and so did my friends - turns out I did, a bit... turns out, I need to change a bit more too... and learn how to be a good friend and then how to be a better girlfriend too, and then how to not hurt myself uselessly... So I did that, in winter-break and during spring semester... I learned and changed continuously...

So now I come home again... and summer break now feels much better than winter break did. I realize now how much I changed and that change is not a bad thing, even though my friends sometimes exclaim: 'How much you changed!' I feel better and have more peace of mind. And I feel stronger too. But apart from this, there are new things I learned again by being home.
I realized that it would be damn hard for me to integrate in the Romanian society again and live here. I can't anymore stand the rudeness and ignorance of the people here. I deserve respect, and good services for which I pay, and don't want to tolerate not getting them. I can't really bear the dirt on the streets, the disorganized queues or the people shouting at each other without even knowing for what. And above everything, why do most of the people do nothing but complain while still living in and supporting this fallacious system...

When I went back in winter I was happy when I went on the Danube promenade... it didn't happen anymore... it's dirty and it smells bad and there are too many 'cool' guys who have nothing better to do than to smoke and throw the cigarettes on the ground and eat sunflower seeds and throw them all over...

I realized all these when I was home, but it all appeared even clearer to me after I went to and returned from Italy. During this same time, however, I also realized I might not necessarily like living in the States either, unless I find a place I really like. So I decided to start roaming arnd the States more... (Boston in fall break?! :D)

to be continued... :P

Saturday, June 7

if you are what you say you are, a superstar, then have no fear - the camera's here...

There have been a lot of thoughts passing through my mind lately... some i caught, some i saved for later thinking, some i just let go... Anyway... this morning I remember something:

I must have been around 6-7 or so. That time I would spend almost my entire summer vacations playing outside with the other kids and one of the most exciting activities was taking care of and petting all the cat, kittens, dogs and puppies we would find around in the neighborhood. We would adopt any that was willing or not to be adopted, but many of them would just leave. However, we always had our favorites - the dogs we would grow from puppies. The were like our kids. See, the thing is when we would find puppies, we would take care of them, make them a shelter, give them and their mom food and all that. But many of them would be taken away by people to the countryside, or would just die. And usually like one or two would survive and grow. That was our baby. And the mother was some sort of buddy for us. So we always had a happy time together. I remember many times I would be sad or just alone outside waiting for my friends the dogs would just come to me and keep me company... cuddle - i know it sounds kind of strange. (On a side note I think it's pretty hard to understand if you never did this before. And even if you did, but then just grew up too much. )
So that's how the situation was with the dogs. The thing is, sometimes tragic accidents would happen, so the pets would get poisoned by mean neighbors, or they would get run-over by the cars. Those moments were really sad. We were all mourning for like a week or so. And still talk about the deceased for at least two weeks or so. Now that's a long time for kids, especially if they're mourning after dogs!

This one time one of our dearest dogs was run over by a car. He used to be really playful and that, so we liked him a lot. So then we made him a grave and put it there. Made him a small cross, after the good Christian tradition and put it on the grave... put flowers there.... And we were just sad. We went then to play, but of course couldn't quite forget. So at night when I went back home to have dinner and then go to sleep I was telling my mom about it. I remember she tried to look understanding and all that.
But then, when I was supposed to go sleep I asked her to stay with me or not turn off all lights cause I was scared. See, I was always scared by death, which is why I only attended one single funeral in my life. Impressive I know - thanks God my family was supportive about this. It's not like I'm scared that I will die or sth, but it's an idea I can't quite perceive except biologically, so i guess that's why it scares me. Anyway... so I told my mom I was scared but she said I shouldn't be a a fool cause there is nothing that can happen and I should go to sleep.

Now I WAS scared. I didn't know exactly of what - something having to do with the dead dog, that's what I knew. And I remember it took me a long time to fall asleep because I would get tensed at every small noise I heard and then I woke up repeatedly over the night, which is unusual for me. So I tried to explain my fear to my mom but she didn't quite understand me. A kid I was, that's true, but that dog was part of that universe. And death was sth totally strange and I really didn't know what it could do to me. But she thought rationally and didn't take me seriously. She probably considered I was too big to be into that sort of things. Because back when I was like 3 or 4 and I first heard the idea of death when an old woman in our building died she did take me seriously. Like she explained me how things were, and took me seriously a long time afterwards I would ask her 'will I die if I do this?'. But when I was 6 I was too much of a big girl to be scared of sth like that.

Well now... as I was saying my mom was thinking rationally. She was in one of those times: she was busy with work, making a lot of rational decisions, having a lot of rational things to worry about, so I should have been at least reasonable. But, see, my father... my father had less education, and was lazy, and not quite that caring. Not quite that rational - I believe he didn't make too many good decisions all by himself in his life. But he understood me back then. He did! When I was a kid and I would be scared, he too tried to explain me that there was nothing to be scared of and all that, but he would tell me something more: 'if daddy is here, you have nothing to be scared of. Daddy won't let anyone to hurt you.' Now that was really assuring for me. And it still is actually; silly me, I am indeed nothing but a kid. (I don't know how I'm gonna manage to grow up so quickly). But yeah... too bad my dad was not around too much. My mom did a really good job overall though - I grew up having little if no fears. She dealt with them in a very rational, scientific way. Like, I remember once she took me to the doctor cause I was scared of thunders. It's kinda funny. I don't know if it was the talk with the doctor (cause back then the whole thing looked scarier to me than the thunders), but now I'm not scared of them anymore ;) So yeag, she did a good job, but she never really made me feel secure... and safe... Maybe some times she would say mami's here, but I never had the certitude that nothing would happen to me if she was there...

So yeah... that's how my childhood fears were and were dealt with as well. Now, I still have fears every once on a while. Some times more often or more than during other times. Like, this one night I was showering in my empty dorm and was really scared that some hairy disgusting man would open the curtain, pull me out, rape me and then kill me. Pretty scary I know. But I didn't feel quite safe in this campus during that time anyway, and the empty dorm, and... it's amazing what the brain can do, really! after all, it's always about the brain going wild. So I finished my shower as quickly as I could and then I really ran to my room, where Nafis was waiting for me. And I told him that I was scared and all that, but he didn't quite tell me serious. He was like 'oh, come on'. Yeah, on I came but i was still scared. It was definitely relieving that he was there though, cause it would have been pretty bad if I was alone. So that's what it happens when I'm scared now.

But that's when I'm scared of sth physical. Cause sometimes I'm also scared of more none-physical stuff. And most commonly I'm scared of things that make me insecure. Yeah, quite a lot of words in the same semantic field. People don't quite understand this either. Like I would get into a conflict and then I get scared. I do. No matter how strong I feel about my argument, there is that imbalance that makes me insecure. And no-one quite knows, or maybe they just don't quite look at it that way or sth... rationally, everything's fine. And the argument is solved and that's it... well, it's not quite like that. My insecurity is still there. And I try solving it all by myself but... it would really be so much easier if whoever it was just tried not to think just solved/unsolved and rationally... and if that person, be it my mom, my boyfriend, or my friend, just lay it down for me that 'this is why everything is fine. And still, no matter what, as long as I'm around, I will make sure nothing is hurting you'. It's amazing...

Anyway, in the mean time, people don't quite understand me this way. Now, this, according to Emerson, may mean that I'm great, cause - To be great is to be misunderstood, but I'd rather I was more humble than great... I want to be understood. And not only in this matter. But in what I feel and think. And my ideas, and my scientific theories, when I would have had them, that is ;)

Saturday, April 19

The greatest thing

you'll ever learn... is just to love and be loved in return...

I felt like writing this... maybe some would say love is over-rated, some would say it is under-rated... I say this idea is really what is all about... and what it should be perhaps :)

I say this because I feel this. And I've felt it before, when I was happy or when I was sad... when this 'crazy little thing called love' gave me wings to fly or when it made me hide inside myself altogether. Things happen, and a lot of this may come along the way, but really... as humans, that's the greatest thing we could really learn... and it's pretty tough to learn to do it properly, especially because love is not only about the 'significant other', but about a lot more people that matter in our lives and we should learn to love and whose love to accept as it is...

But that's too much talking already...

Thursday, April 3

Randomness...

Randomness - that's exactly it. I'm writing right now out of pure randomness: I just woke up from sleep, I have tons of work... I'm hearing this girl on my floor talking about frat boys, sex, relationships and what people think (hmm, maybe that would be nice to talk about in this randomness) and she has no idea that I can hear everything she says, and out of the blue I still don't feel like working... or going to the library and seeing all that many people... so... I'm just seeing a movie and writing this blog :P then I'll study - or I'll sleep, we'll see how things go. But for now, back to the just decided. {nice line from the movie: Just because you're lost it doesn't mean that the Earth compass is broken}

Let's see... why would one care about what the other people think? My stand is that we shouldn't. Seriously, what do I have to do with all the people whom I meet randomly at a party, on a street and I just interact with for a couple of minutes or even for a night. I believe I'm good enough for people to like me in 8.5/10 interactions :P... that's a good enough ratio for me I think. And then, for someone to really know me, they need to spend some time... I learned not to judge people on appearances and I learned it's useless to try to impress someone. Say you have some stuff you want people not to notice and you're trying all that hard for people to like you... well people might like you, and then they'll want to spend more and more time with you, because they like you, but... tough luck... no one can pretend forever. You just can't pretend forever, it comes a time when you just get tired and say - screw it. And if you don't and end up living your life trying to make people like you and be by some standards... it's really sad...

What standards are we trying to meet? Society! yes... and structures! yes... the system! another one... all these set standards right?! very true... but hmm... people seemed to manage to create their own lifestyle and escape the 'system' hundreds of years ago. They could just be however they wanted... So if they managed to do this back then, I'm pretty sure anyone could manage today, when the societies are so much more liberal... where there is so much more space for everyone to develop in their own special way... Screw society, structures and the system... seriously... it's not worth it... we only have one life to live, so forget how people think and be genuine... I think if more people were genuine about what they were doing and were not doing most of the things because they 'have to', without taking responsibility for it but rather placing it on... whoever... if more people were really more genuine and did what they really felt like doing (like me watching this movie right now :P kidding) we'll all be better off, our interactions would be more meaningful and it would be easier for us to grow, and bloom... I always remember Little Miss Sunshine... gorgeous movie! there is a line there in which I fully believe: If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly as easy as that.

What people think... it is important, but only as long as they know you, if they don't, it's not worth it... at all... I don't know how coherent I've been... I'll find out when I read it over some time, but by then, the movie is close to its end, so... I'll get a full grasp of that ;) As an ending... how about make love not war... I think that's a good one in essence.

Sunday, March 16

Longing for peace...


I've been longing for peace in a while now... at first I was extremely happy - hyper happy... it was a good feeling... some sort of overdose of serotonin that made me very jumpy. Then it came a very bad time when I was damn sad... and after this pissed off at life and myself... totally energy depleting... Luckily, the first period was way longer than the second one! It was all like a really good extended trip followed by a really bad one... to make use of some newly acquired terminology.

But now I just want peace... like in the Requiem by Faure that I'm doing with the choir. Requiem aeterna et lux perpetua... it's just that I want it while I'm still living. I hope I don't really have to die to find peace... that would be really sad.

But I want peace... I want peace with the people around me... and I want peace with my life and this world... and I want peace with myself! TRUCE! deep breath... a sigh... another deep breath... wipe all the tears - Ive exceeded the limit lately... throw away all the fears... (ups, I didn't mean to do rhyming)... all the insecurities... another sigh... it's kind of hard... not that easy at all... and another deep breath - it's gonna be alright! I trust myself: every time I say this it is so... it's not even hard to understand: I work to make it be so... so yeah: I'm going to make everything be alright... and another deep breath... it feels good - I have a certainty... put on a smile... not to wide... I don't need that... I just need peace. Don't want to exceed any level of excitation, be it in plus or minus... So I'm practicing with a smile... it feels nice... I'm going to keep it on... another deep breath... some people ask me if everything is alright... oh yes... now it is... I know - I'm not up anymore... I'm settled... and it feels good... it feels very good... deep breaths... a walk... some sun... music... flowers... peaceful people... here, some peace...

I'm almost there... I think I've found it... this empty campus and some people around here helped me... they don't even know... If I thank them, Basu will probably ask why and smile delighted and Farhan will probably ask, his usual tone what's wrong with you? seriously! and I probably won't bother to answer... I should keep explanations to the minimum... trying too hard to make people understand me... it's peace consuming... another deep breath... smile... forget explanations and reasons... and if it is really important for anyone, they need to give me time... time... I now have time... what's with all this rush? we have time... I thought I learned that way back... I have time for everything... to live every moment - that's right! carpe diem... and I won't let anyone rush me... rush without me... I'm not racing through life... he he... I even find it funny... trying to explain all this to Nafis I forgot it myself... I wonder how this happened?! anyways... I kind of lost myself in this agitation... some sort of close system that became over-pressurized... my mom... oh, my mom! it wouldn't have been that hard if she was here... she always took care of me when I had got carried away... Now I had to do it now I need some time to all by myself... and I did it... good for me! ... another deep breath... i found peace... assimilate it... time... maybe another walk... definitely some music... 'insignificant' activities... and some people... some sun and some colours... and there shall be my peace...
now, I feel like I need to put this poem here:

I was so tired
and suffering.
I think I was suffering from too much soul.

Across the hills the dawns were opening their eyelids
with eyes red with sleeplessness. 

Lost - I asked myself:
Sun,
how can you still feel the crazy joy
of rising?

And in that sleepless morning
as I strolled with leaden steps,
in a hidden corner I came across a cradle.
Spiders wove their tiny worlds in it
and woodworms milled its silence.

I watched it with thoughts opened wide.
It was the cradle
in which a hand, today aged by my fate,
had rocked
my first sleep and perhaps my first dream.

With the fingers of memory
I groped 
gently, 
gently,
my past like a blind man
and without knowing why
I crumbled
and with great sobs
began to cry over
my cradle.

I was so tired
of spring,
of roses,
of youth,
and of laughing.
Fumbling, my hands searched in the old cradle
hoping to find myself there
- as a child. 

Lucian Blaga, The Cradle (Leaganul)

Monday, March 10

'Mother! a big misfortune has happened to me... bear me again!'

'and if I cant make it then either, bear me again... and again... and again...' That's a quote from 'Iona', a play by Marin Sorescu - a really crazy and amazing Romanian dramatist.

How cool would it be? If we could just be born again every time we screw sth? or we get hurt? or we don't know what to do? or when we have an exam the next day and can't study? how cool would that be? Or maybe we could have a brainwash, like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Just have all memories erased and start a brand new life...

I guess sometimes we all wish for such stuff... I do to... today I even wished for anti-freaking pills! I think if they made that I would become the greatest addict (thanks god they haven't - I hate addictions... I would probably hate myself). I'm really bad when I start freaking out... I can't deal with myself, no wonder other people can't. However much I sometimes wish for this though, and however much I screw stuff at times... it doesn't last long... I wouldn't really like to always take it from the ground every time...

I actually think everything happens for a reason... be it just to learn, just to feel sth new and know how that feels... Just imagine every time you would have to learn over and over again... I mean, we live a life, we have all our memories plus other people's experiences to learn from and we still screw it over and over again... there are things we never learn... there are thing we learn late... sometimes too late... but forget that... the point is... I would never give my experiences away just for every time I screw it...

True, I wish I didn't screw it that often... but I can't seem to help it... I am stubborn... headstrong (well here's a problem! Mr. Collins wouldn't marry me anymore). My mom always told me that... my teachers always told me that... they always tried to make me more flexible... but I couldn't help...I'm headstrong... some people say I have a strong personality... well I guess... or maybe I'm sometimes just too weak... I'm just too weak... I freak out... but I'm headstrong... and I really want to solve stuff... so I become somehow really keen on what I'm doing... which may seem like a strong personality... The truth is... I'm just headstrong... and stubborn... my mom could never get me out of that... and oh! I tell you she tried. I tried myself. I still am!!! very perseverent. I think it comes from stubbornness as well. My teacher of English, when she had to describe me, she said I'm stubborn and affectionate, but that stubbornness is nicely put as determination...
So here I am... very determined!

But yeah... I guess I just try to compensate my stubbornness with being affectionate... I'm always trying to... and to be kind.... and nice... NICE... smile... make people smile... make people happy... I care... I really do... some may say I'm selfish... I care because it makes me feel good... bullshit... I sometimes think I care because I'm the greatest fool on this planet... it doesn't really bring me much benefit... actually, it sometimes doesn't seem to bring other people much benefit either... So why should I care?! well, I can't really help it... I tried not to - oh, yes I did... it never worked out... other people tried to teach me... it never worked out... but I am determined!

See, I'm trying so hard... sometimes I wonder why... I sometimes wonder why I can't really seem to fit among people... I always want more... I want intensity... meaning... I want feelings... I don't want to pass through this life like a duck on water... without getting wet... I want to get wet... I'll dry myself afterwards... but it sometimes is incredibly hard... sometimes I just wish I was normal... special just like everyone else... but no! guess what?!... I'm stubborn and I care... and I can't seem to help it...

I don't really know what I mean by what I wrote... I just felt like this... I think the way I am sometimes doesn't really help me at all... sometimes it helps a lot... I don't want to judge which is more... after all, I can't help it. I've been trying for 19 years... I can't help... whoever is around me... I guess I just have to learn to deal with me... I'm sorry I'm not perfect... I am stubborn... I am affectionate... but I am much more than that... pluses and minuses to me... and I sometimes think that if people learned to accept and deal with my minuses, they just had a lot to gain from the pluses...

I guess I'll just end here... and no, I wouldn't really like to be born again... not at all...

Sunday, March 2

My Vagina Monologue


Well, there are two things that determined the writing of this post: 1. somehow I created this blog (actually Nafis created it for me, but that's not the point) and 2. since I'm doing this Vagina Monologues play and I've been hearing a lot about other women's vagina, I think it is fair to my vagina to talk about her.
See, it is a 'she' first of all. I couldn't call a vagina a 'it'. It's something entirely feminine, very well gender-determined. Actually, now that I'm thinking of it, I can't believe 'vagina' is a masculine noun in Romanian. But yes, it has to be feminine. I mean, you call a ship a 'she' and you would call a vagina a 'it'. Impossible!

So now that I've established this, let's move on. I should warn you that this is a totally random thing and does not respect any writing composition norms (let alone college writing ones). It just respects my mind's and you can rest assured that they are the most random ones ever.

Anyways, my vagina! Well, I think my vagina is a really cool thing... place... body part - I believe that this is the fairest. And I mean cool in the sense of great or awesome or other synonyms, not chilly. Because literally speaking, my vagina is a pretty hot place... very cosy... it's like... the place to be on a cold day of winter. Not even winter. But you know when it's raining outside and it's cold and you really want to stay in your bed under the blanket and just enjoy the comfort and think... I think my vagina is such a place... And you should not have second thoughts about the 'thinking' part. I guess the vagina leads to wonderful thinking, meditation, or imagination sessions - at least mine does. Just think of how many things cross your mind only when you say the word 'vagina'. You can think of the anatomy... the exterior - so well protected, so well hidden... and when she opens up... ... ... I think it's just special... it would be lovely to hear a guy's perspective, but I feel that when a woman (I would say any woman, but I'm not really sure how this works with sex workers - I'd love to know) opens up her legs and lets her vagina exposed, it's like she exposes her very essence as a woman, all her femininity: so vulnerable and so strong at the same time... and then the interior - it's like a mystery cave... and I could go on and on...

But this is just anatomy... you can take it to a superior level: for instance, think philosophically - how is it possible that a vagina can cause so much happiness so easily, when people struggle to find the secret of happiness in life and can't seem to find it... something like this...
I tell you, my vagina made me ask myself a lot of questions... she created so many images in my head... so many colors... and this is not bullshit. I don't really care for who believes me or not (actually, I don't really care if whoever reads this blog), but I think I've lived with my vagina for long enough to know her strengths and weaknesses. Actually, maybe I should mention her weaknesses as well. Her greatest weakness is that she is really sensitive... she is so easy to be bruised or hurt... which is why she's so well protected... but I think this sensitivity is really beautiful... this sensitivity... it's like a poppy. This is actually how I see my vagina... like a poppy. At first I thought it would be a red carnation... red carnations are just... so full, so sensual, so voluptuous... But actually, voluptuousness is not a fundamental property of my vagina... maybe of my body, but I'm unsure... I'd say my vagina is just essentially sensual - she just creates such a complex sensory experience... just like a poppy... she's red - no doubts, she's so soft and fragile - if your too harsh you hurt it, she can't stay exposed too much - she needs her intimacy and protection... and then the seeds of the poppy...

I'm gonna stop here with the poppy... Actually, I'm gonna stop here with the whole vagina monologue. However, I should just answer two more questions - tough questions:
1. What would she say?
hmm... Love me, please me, never leave me.
2. What would she wear?
just perfume... Channel Chance or J'adore - alternatively every 3 days...

And with this, I did justice to my vagina...