'and if I cant make it then either, bear me again... and again... and again...' That's a quote from 'Iona', a play by Marin Sorescu - a really crazy and amazing Romanian dramatist.
How cool would it be? If we could just be born again every time we screw sth? or we get hurt? or we don't know what to do? or when we have an exam the next day and can't study? how cool would that be? Or maybe we could have a brainwash, like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Just have all memories erased and start a brand new life...
I guess sometimes we all wish for such stuff... I do to... today I even wished for anti-freaking pills! I think if they made that I would become the greatest addict (thanks god they haven't - I hate addictions... I would probably hate myself). I'm really bad when I start freaking out... I can't deal with myself, no wonder other people can't. However much I sometimes wish for this though, and however much I screw stuff at times... it doesn't last long... I wouldn't really like to always take it from the ground every time...
I actually think everything happens for a reason... be it just to learn, just to feel sth new and know how that feels... Just imagine every time you would have to learn over and over again... I mean, we live a life, we have all our memories plus other people's experiences to learn from and we still screw it over and over again... there are things we never learn... there are thing we learn late... sometimes too late... but forget that... the point is... I would never give my experiences away just for every time I screw it...
True, I wish I didn't screw it that often... but I can't seem to help it... I am stubborn... headstrong (well here's a problem! Mr. Collins wouldn't marry me anymore). My mom always told me that... my teachers always told me that... they always tried to make me more flexible... but I couldn't help...I'm headstrong... some people say I have a strong personality... well I guess... or maybe I'm sometimes just too weak... I'm just too weak... I freak out... but I'm headstrong... and I really want to solve stuff... so I become somehow really keen on what I'm doing... which may seem like a strong personality... The truth is... I'm just headstrong... and stubborn... my mom could never get me out of that... and oh! I tell you she tried. I tried myself. I still am!!! very perseverent. I think it comes from stubbornness as well. My teacher of English, when she had to describe me, she said I'm stubborn and affectionate, but that stubbornness is nicely put as determination...
So here I am... very determined!
But yeah... I guess I just try to compensate my stubbornness with being affectionate... I'm always trying to... and to be kind.... and nice... NICE... smile... make people smile... make people happy... I care... I really do... some may say I'm selfish... I care because it makes me feel good... bullshit... I sometimes think I care because I'm the greatest fool on this planet... it doesn't really bring me much benefit... actually, it sometimes doesn't seem to bring other people much benefit either... So why should I care?! well, I can't really help it... I tried not to - oh, yes I did... it never worked out... other people tried to teach me... it never worked out... but I am determined!
See, I'm trying so hard... sometimes I wonder why... I sometimes wonder why I can't really seem to fit among people... I always want more... I want intensity... meaning... I want feelings... I don't want to pass through this life like a duck on water... without getting wet... I want to get wet... I'll dry myself afterwards... but it sometimes is incredibly hard... sometimes I just wish I was normal... special just like everyone else... but no! guess what?!... I'm stubborn and I care... and I can't seem to help it...
I don't really know what I mean by what I wrote... I just felt like this... I think the way I am sometimes doesn't really help me at all... sometimes it helps a lot... I don't want to judge which is more... after all, I can't help it. I've been trying for 19 years... I can't help... whoever is around me... I guess I just have to learn to deal with me... I'm sorry I'm not perfect... I am stubborn... I am affectionate... but I am much more than that... pluses and minuses to me... and I sometimes think that if people learned to accept and deal with my minuses, they just had a lot to gain from the pluses...
I guess I'll just end here... and no, I wouldn't really like to be born again... not at all...
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